Crossheaven II

blackberries and cherries

2012-02-06T13:58:00.002+08:00

Last year wasn't really kind to Blackberry. Towards the end of the year, we saw a massive server crash across many different countries that rendered the Blackberry useless. Needless to say, everyone was pissed as hell and all RIM offered its users were free premium applications. Not that the applications in the Blackberry market were any good to begin with.

For those of you that are not catching on, Blackberry runs on an odd system that utilizes a special system called Blackberry Internet Service (BIS). Basically, you pay extra for getting connected on your Blackberry. And yeah, they wonder why exactly people are turning to Android and Apple.

Anyway, to capture back a lost market, Blackberry has been running an ace up their sleeve, the supposed new Blackberry 10 system which will be a giant leap for Blackberry. In the industry lingo, that's like saying you passed UPSR and now you're in high school where all your other peers are finally about to graduate to college.

Frankly, I'm getting somewhat tired of my Blackberry. Sure, it's great and it gets me connected to social networking without a problem. But every time I look at the applications my other relatives have on their iPhone and the extra functions they possess, that my Blackberry can't do - You can't help but feel and wonder, what the hell did I end up with?

My future plans (which involved money I don't have), is having my Blackberry for a functioning normal phone but with an internet-enabled jailbroken iPhone. So yeah, I still want those awesome applications. Besides, isn't that what most people are doing these days?

Do yourself a favor and don't get a Blackberry. No, seriously. Unless you're just in it for the connectivity and basics, then sure why not. One of the reasons I love my Blackberry is still for the keyboard anyway. An obvious wonder most people with touch-screen smartphones these days are certainly overlooking.

avengers assembled

2012-02-06T13:24:00.003+08:00

This year holds an enthralling anticipation for both Marvel and DC fans with the coming release of The Avengers and Dark Knight Rises, respectively. While many are speculating Batman will probably emerge the better hero in this battle, that does nothing to water down the excitement The Avengers is going to bring about to cinemas worldwide in three months time.

While there only remains to be one main trailer for Dark Knight Rises (yes, I'm anticipating the next one like a mad dog for a bone), The Avengers have released a new trailer in conjunction to America's annual Super Bowl event, like always. Enjoy!

What does those flying ships look like? A Skrull invasion, maybe? Either ways, I've my eyes constantly watching the update space for both movies. Though secretly, I have my money on Dark Knight Rises. After all, Christopher Nolan has never failed to capture the audience.

On a side note, Matthew Vaughn has confirmed a sequel to my favorite movie of '11, X-Men: First Class! Fassbender and McAvoy is slated to make a return and I'm dying to know how this is going to played out. Indeed, I am a comic geek.

endofsem

2012-01-24T23:40:00.002+08:00

This semester has been an eventful one. Perhaps even more so than the one previously, not in ways I'd like to describe it so. It stretched me to both extremes of mania and depression. Though by no means this time around - I held stronger ground on my academics, if only not better than the semester before where I lost grip on everything.

For this, I had my close friends and albeit concerned lecturers to help keep me back on track, something I lacked in the previous. I've learned the true meaning of responsibility and though I still lack in maturity, I realize that the road to achieving that is not one I can gain overnight. It's a gradual walk towards realizing that one day I'll be the man I want to be and the talent everyone sees me for so.

My fall this semester was hard. But I wouldn't allow myself to fall back to failure as I had the previous. No, this time - I know I prevailed. Not without a few scars, but if there's anything I've learned, I'll accept the consequences for my actions. I may have not sailed the remainder of this semester with full winds but at least I know I finally made it to shore. I've set my anchor and I'm ready to take on the next winds.

Precarious balance, yes. That's what this semester was about. There's a fine balance to everything in this World that you touch consciously and unconsciously. What point do we realize that our actions become a domino effect to others, whether they're part of the game or not? Next semester, bring it on!

why spider-man 2 remains to be my favourite

2012-01-24T23:25:00.000+08:00

I've been hearing people buzzing about Andrew Garfield being the new Spider-Man for the reboot that's slotted in the next year. Frankly, I'm not too excited. Perhaps all the other upcoming superhero movies have diluted my interest. Or perhaps I'm more fixated towards Batman than any other superhero at the moment.

But in retrospective, Sam Riami's Spider-Man remains to be one of my classic favorites. I was twelve years-old when Spider-Man hit the silver screen and my excitement for the movie was tantamount to a level of ecstatic. I feel akin to Peter Parker in many ways and imagined myself in many situations to have superpowers (Yeah, I wished).

Among the trilogy though, I enjoyed Spider-Man 2 the most.

While the first installment built up the origin and the bricks for the story, I felt that the second installment was what really brought everything into motion. You have Peter Parker, who is struggling with the guilt he faces over allowing the robber that shot Uncle Ben. And you have a person who's torn between protecting the very person he loves against being with her. What drove this to be the best installment among the trilogy and my personal favorite is the conflict. It felt real. And it was human.

The echo of "With great power comes great responsibility" resonates even stronger in this movie as we see Peter having to deal with the intricate details of his life. To an extent, he lost his power, give up being the webhead and was happy to resume normal life but still felt drawn to be a super-hero.

I loved this movie and everything about it. The soundtrack too, is the best I've been in movie soundtracks so far. It's a very fair balanced mix by great bands and artists. If you're like me and you like to spend time analyzing the lyrics while matching it up to the movie, you'd definitely love this even more. Do take a spin on Train's Ordinary. That's a track I find most fitting for the movie's theme compared to Dashboard Confessional's Vindicated.

The only thing I hated about the movie was how many times the mask had to be removed for Peter's face. I mean, the whole damned train saw it! Otherwise, I feel like re-watching it, for the twentieth time now.

elementary, watson

2012-01-02T12:46:00.003+08:00

My first good news of 2012 comes in the form of the World's greatest detective and his sidekick doctor. While many of you are probably already referring to Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law, I be to differ. They were good but I'm talking about the real deal - Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman. the good news? Sherlock Season 2 is finally out!

In December 2010, BBC released its first season of Sherlock. the time-setting is in modern day London adapted from Arthur Conan Doyle's classic mystery cases. I was slightly pessimistic then but after downloading all three episodes from the first season, I was blown away.

Benedict Cumberbatch fits into the role of Sherlock Holmes seamlessly as the highly-intelligent yet misunderstood detective with Martin Freeman alongside him as the good doctor. Comparing it to Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law's performance would be pointless though. Since these two separate duos clearly have their own distinctions. But if you want to come close to what Arthur Conan Doyle had in mind, BBC's modern day take would be preferable.

And believe me, it doesn't disappoint. I'm already downloading the first episode of the second season and I can't wait to watch it. For this month of January, we'll be graced by three awesome episodes. And of course, the return of Moriarty and an appearance by Irene Adler, supposedly.

Sherlock S2x01 - A Scandal in Belgravia
Sherlock S2x02 - The Hounds of Baskerville
Sherlock S2x03 - The Reichenbach Fall

While the finale to this season certainly sounds like an end of the BBC Sherlock series - As with the books, I do hope this season goes on spectacularly. I'd rather have a short television series that was spectacular than a long one that destroyed itself.

2011: Recap

2012-01-01T14:23:00.004+08:00

The New Year is in and it's time to look back at what the previous year was all about. Be warned it was a depressing year for me;

What did you do in 2011 which you've never done before
Got my driving license.

Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Que Sera Sera. - And this year, it'll be my last.

Did anyone close to you gave birth?
Nope.

Did anyone close to you die?
Figuratively, yes.

What countries did you visit?
South Korea, Macau and Singapore.

What would you like to have in 2012 which you lacked in 2011?
Maturity and more importantly, empathy.

What date in 2011 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
22.08.2011 to 26.08.2011; The Great Journey.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Quite unfortunately, none.

What was your biggest failure?
My failure to keep myself together and letting down everyone I know.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Many times, yes.

What was the best thing you bought?
An Instax Wide 210 Camera and flight tickets to Sarawak.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
My family and friends who stuck through me, despite my insolence.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
It would be easy to point fingers to others - But on this, I point it to myself.

Where did most of your money go?
Travel, food and transport.

What did you really, really, really get excited about?
The Great Journey to Dungun and my Sarawak Escapade.

What song will remind you of 2011?
"Belief" by John Mayer.

Compared to last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner of fatter
c) richer or poorer?
sadder; thinner; poorer.

What do you wish you've done more of?
Be more mature.

What do you wish you've done less of?
Running away from my problems and just refusing to face the realities of life.

How did you spend Christmas?
Spending a lazy day at home with the family.

Did you fall in love in 2011?
I broke up with the person who I was in deeply love with for three years. Do you still want to ask that?

What was your favorite TV program?
Masterchef on AFC.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is a strong word, I prefer dislike and the answer is yes.

What was the best book you've read?
"Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jamiroquai.

What did you want and get?
Being with Tina as long as I could still have her.

What did you want and not get?
A relationship with Tina that would surpass all the problems that embroiled it.

What was your favorite film this year?
The King's Speech.

What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
Ira, Zatil and Faris went out with me to a Chic Pop Bazaar in PJ. I was 21, the coming of age,

What was the one thing that made your year immeasurable more satisfying?
My journey to Dungun.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Nothing much has changed other than my purchasing of a new grey blazer.

What kept you sane?
The realization that I cannot be logical anymore or it'll just drive me even more insane.

What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None, perhaps.

What political issue stirred you the most?
The deaths of dictators the World over and the Arab Spring.

Who did you miss?
I'll rephrase, I missed what I used to have.

Who was the new best person you met?
Probably no one.

Tell us a valuable lesson you learnt in 2011:
Never let a problem get out of hand and always take responsibility for your actions.

2012: New Year

2012-01-01T00:00:00.001+08:00

This very second marks the beginning of another year. In general beliefs, we're all fed with the concept that this year holds the end of the year and if anything - We are to live it like our last. The most of us scoff at it but secretly wonder, what if it were true? We all have doubts but that's all right, we're only human.

We can only afford to know so much. Our limitation is defined by how enlightened we are and frankly, the most of us are not even halfway there. Amidst this year filled with deaths, protests and a royal wedding - 2011, for me was embroiled with more downtime than I've ever experienced in my life. But that's not to say it was a waste.

Because time wasted, is time you don't receive any experience from. It's when you're faced with life's trials and tribulations but learn nothing from it - And I've grown up always learning to see silver linings. Granted, this year was emotionally-taxing on me, the strain of my recent relationship stretched beyond means and with the thread now broken. I spent the year waiting, searching for answers that I could not get and ultimately ending up broken.

But in the end, I realize that all this is what will make me a better person. I now know how to better handle myself and others; the experience is never wasted. The one thing in life people are afraid to make are mistakes. If we learned to just let go of the fear of making mistakes, then we'd be able to emerge - Years later, being able to answer, I know, I've been there before. And that's a sense of pride and assurance no one can give you but yourself.

Que Sera Sera, this year may be as it always had been. But with an added footnote - To live it like my last. I've a fore-running plan that will unravel itself towards the end of the year. It will be what will finally define me as a person but more importantly, as human. It will be my last act. But hey, amidst the fireworks and incessant chanting out there;

Happy New Year!

when spring ended

2011-12-29T18:00:00.001+08:00

(680) Days of Spring.

With 365 extra days, it was a coincidence.
Whatever happens, happens.

the dying sunset

2011-12-28T13:44:00.004+08:00

The year's end has finally caught up on me, unawares. It still strikes to me as surreal how things tend to move at a blinding pace - Slowing down at the painful parts but speeding up at the enjoyable ones. I suppose I'm not the first to point out the obvious, but yes. It's funny how I'm still able to recall the year past in whole. From what happened from the beginning of 2011 all the way down to now, twelve months later.

Every. Single. Damn. Memory.

The life-changing events of the year were ones with great magnitude; full of extremes on both sides of the stick to a point where I've developed a bipolar attraction towards the two. At times, I would be manically happy and on others utterly devastated. I admit that this year was a mainly emotionally, mentally and physically taxing one. Though they were rays of happiness attempting to shine through the dark clouds - But still.

I only wished for many great things to happen. But cosmos never operates on the basis of allowing things to happen without any effort pushed into it, no? So I pushed, but perhaps the wrong ways. To a certain extend, I would have probably aggravated situations to a point of no return. Even if there were one, it would be time-consuming and needs more than a hand to clap to return the beat.

I loved. I lost. I cherish the times I loved - But the pain that followed the loss, it stings me still. And sometimes, even more so because of uncertainty. Because despite the signs and my intellect telling me where to go - I still need clear these muddled waters. The thorn in my heart is there still, I just need you to pull it out. It'll bleed, yes. But it'll heal. And I'll have the scars to remind me of my past.

And yes, I've let go of my past before but it never meant cutting it off entirely. It's what defined me. The year has been unkind and I wish only for the better to roll in the coming one. I talked to change in the beginning of this, yet as a person I have not changed beyond a few inches. I should stop talking, start doing.

credits to Kyle Kruchock

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T00:00:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas, Everyone.
Let the light of the World shine through you and to others.

credits to Caiti Borusso

the eve of snows

2011-12-24T20:47:00.003+08:00

The night has fallen and the rain patters on endlessly. The day's gloom spread over the thinly-stretched December coldness - Nearing the year's end. I can feel it in my bones, the age and undue pressure stressed on my physical and emotional being. The end is near, and not for the first time - I don't feel a sense of relief.

Which is funny, when you consider how many people out there look forward to the year's end so eagerly because it marks the end of a chapter, and the beginning of another. It's a chance to restart life, hypothetically speaking. But then, I must be growing older because I see no stark difference. Sure, the New Year gives an illusion for a change of pace. But ultimately, if you don't clean up your act - No amount of New Year resolutions and will is ever going to change your life.

But before I move into darker territories, it's nice to note that of late - I've noticed Christmas songs playing on the radio. It's been awhile and it is quite a treat to hear Mariah Carey crooning 'All I Need For Christmas' over radio airwaves. Yes, so sue me - That's my favorite radio Christmas song.

In this cold December night, on Christmas eve - I wonder of many great unanswered things that I wished I had answers to. And frankly, I wish for many great things - But these wishes are, in the end, just stupid wishes. Santa isn't going to grant them, that's for sure. Now go and celebrate Christmas, you sorry sods.

credits to 7austins

golden paper

2011-12-21T20:53:00.003+08:00

Malaysia's always up to its sleeve full of surprises. A few months back was the government's reaction to Bersih 2.0. Then there was the chartering of the controversial Peaceful Assembly Bill as well as the scraping of PPSMI which drew blood from many urban dwelling families.

On a lighter note, quite ironically, the government is re-releasing its RM20 notes which went obsolete close to a decade ago. It's making a comeback this January 2012, and it's lookin' good alright.

That's the sort of gold you want burning right through your eyes as you hand it over to the roti-man. Though personally, I love my paper notes being all colorful - Maybe that's just the kid in me. Can't wait to get my hands on one of those!

photo credits to myMetro

the night is darkest

2011-12-20T16:57:00.002+08:00

Told through the lens and twisted depths of Christopher Nolan's mind, this generation of the Batman's tale may be its best one yet. The Dark Knight did much to blow our minds away with a stellar performance of The Joker by the late Heath Ledger as well as the level of chaos he threw into the mix. But that was three years ago and Nolan since then has rolled out Inception which was nothing less of amazing and now, lurking around is the upcoming and final installment to the Dark Knight trilogy: The Dark Knight Rises.

A few months back, we were treated to a teaser which brought around much excitement despite the lack of insight and interesting scenes present. Just less than twenty-four hours ago however, the release of the new Dark Knight Rises trailer has been spotted floating about the internet coupled with the six-minute prologue of the movie which features the new villain, Bane.

Oh, the powers of the internet.

I hope you share my excitement as you watched the trailer. As usual, the trailer leaves much to the imagination much like The Dark Knight but there are a few scenes that strike to me as powerful, such as one where Bane menacingly crouches over a bloodied Bruce Wayne and says "When Gotham is in ashes... You have my permission to die".

So many questions, so many speculations and in true Nolan style, we can never expect a touch-on-the-surface plot from him. The plot's definitely three-fold, as it was in The Dark Knight. Oh wait, that sounds a damn lot like Inception.

Excited? I know I am. And it's definitely a damn well more than I'm having for The Avengers.

20 x 10

2011-12-20T16:49:00.003+08:00

While 2011 may not shout over the rooftops in terms of life, I have to put my hands together for the amount of entertainment it has brought around. So let's take a look at 2011's Top 5;

MOVIES

MUSIC

So, what's yours?

Singapore Debate Open '11

2011-12-18T09:07:00.001+08:00

My second tournament for the second-half of the year, Singapore Debate Open '11 ran memories for me. I remembered the previous year's tournament and hope it would be just as good if not better. Fact is, I was taking a week off from my studies (in the midst of its importance) to debate - What a bloody risk.

Anyway, this was a road-trip manned by the five of us: Mifzal, Badhu, Tasha, Awatif and I. I was designated to be teamed up with Badhu and ace it through the rounds. Breaking would be ideal, although let's face it - The odds are far. But if there's anything I learned, it's to just give it all you've got.

We took lodgings in the heart of Little India at a backpacker's called The Inn Crowd. Compared to last year's Checker's Inn, it's less luxurious but still great nonetheless. We made friends with an activist Australian by the name of Charles who even happily followed us to the Singapore Debate Open '11 Grand Finals.

Debate-wise, I found a focal point of my debate weakness as well as my fundamentals which I'm now on the way to repairing. Though we didn't break, I know we're on the way there - And I'm much much closer to kicking the backsides of those ahead of me. It's just a matter of time.

Intoxication. Jazz bar live performances. Mad public transports. Delectable Chicken Rice. A dancing priest. Road-trip from Johor to KL in the break of dawn. Highway conversations. What I wouldn't do to return to next year's Singapore Debate Open. Even if it meant facing the end of the World.

L to R: Mifzal, Tasha, Awatif, Aziff, Badhu

On happier notes, I got free copies of Times Magazine and New York Times!

words with no name

2011-11-29T08:08:00.002+08:00

I write on invisible ink. Perhaps the best way is to just throw water over these words.

charted notes

2011-11-14T13:36:00.003+08:00

It's another Monday morning and I've counted down to five weeks since. My journal is almost finishing its few hundred pages with words, sketches and random outbursts. My mind is muddled, still - Sometimes chaotically so, with my thoughts and emotions. Though I do welcome it at times, because it reminds me of what matters most to me and that to make it through this, I've to continue living with hopes that when I get out from all this: I'll see the smile and receive the embrace I much desire for.

Though as of now, I'm alone (as usual) to my thoughts with loose sheets of notes. Interestingly enough, these are notes I've penned down and scribbled over the period of three years. They chart journeys past, journeys that should've been and finally, journeys that are to be.

I guess I'll forever continue to do what I love best: traveling and writing. Although honestly, I've only been having the latter these days. In my loose papers, I've charts to faraway places that I'd venture to my car or train because let's face it - Nothing beats a road-trip adventure.

Perhaps one of these days, I'll show you those loose notes. Because these are journeys I'd love to go on with you. But I notice I've been using that word a lot, haven't I? One day. Gives me hope that it'll happen - And frankly, we all need that.

photo credits to Alastair Humpreys

the hatch opened

2011-11-12T12:29:00.004+08:00

Just in case you don't know, I'm currently towards the end of my mid-term break. Yes, it's been a week since I've arrived home and oddly enough, this time around - I felt like I am where I needed to be. There wasn't that unnecessary feeling of rush (aside from a day perhaps) and better yet, I'm well fed.

This has also been a week of opportunities. I was offered a proposition to write for Free Malaysia Today regarding the recently PPSMI issue, so please do check out my first public published article here:

Scrape PPSMI, Future Generations Will Suffer | Free Malaysia Today

Do leave a comment and your thoughts! But onto lighter news, me and Huda have recently ran through the random act of producing podcasts. I guess it's one of those random things you do with your closest buddies. We've produced two episodes so far, so take a quick listen! We've more planned up, so stay tuned.

I see opportunities in the horizon, and I'm happier for it. I feel so productive!

Stronger

2011-10-30T14:40:00.004+08:00

Stronger
Kelly Clarkson

This album couldn't have been released at a better time. It has been two years since All I Ever Wanted and Kelly Clarkson's direction has always been reflective of how we view our relationships in our lives. That, or I'm getting older. The theme of this studio album ran along the line of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

And this is what this album is: empowering. While My December saw her losing momentum and she sunk at her lowest (clearly reflected in the tracks) like a break-up would, Kelly picked back up with All I Ever Wanted and continued with better steps.

With a running time of 61 minutes (for the Deluxe edition), I certainly felt a pinch of maturity with her new tracks. It was like she had grown from her lovelorn and angst teenage days of Thankful and now emerged from the metamorphosis a grown woman whose seen her fair share of ups and downs in relationships.

Empowering tracks like You Can't Win, hit single Mr. Know It All and the upcoming What Doesn't Kill you (Stronger) shines through Kelly's maturity in songwriting and experience which serves for a good listen. Although as I got in through more of the tracks, there were tracks like Why Don't You Try, Honestly, Einstein and Breaking Your Own Heart which are reminiscent of her previous albums.

Some may feel like this album may have mellowed down compared to All I Ever Wanted, but for me - I think that's clearly reflective of how a relationship is like. She's gone past the stage in All I Ever Wanted where she was rising back up from her misery in My December. Stronger is Kelly already having a firm foot on the ground and having a clear mind on what she wants, being stronger. As always, Kelly Clarkson has impressed me.

the prime minster's debaters

2011-10-26T21:30:00.003+08:00

UT Mara has seen its own fair share of victories heading our headlines this year. We're heading steps closer to achieve the former glory that once bequeathed itself during the years of Masai and Hafiedz. On the past weekend, UT Mara dispatched three teams to attend three different tournaments which took place:

Jesselton Debate Open
Ministry of Higher Education Cup
The Prime Minister's Cup

We broke past these tournaments and even came to being finalists. But the real gem and power lay in the senior dream team leading in The Prime Minister's Cup '11. I drove to IIU to watch the Grand Finals between UT Mara and IIU and I can't express words to show how much inspiration and prowess they've driven - Moreover to debaters like me who's goal is to reach his first finals (something I've been vying for a year and more).

It was a tough fight but we emerged champions. The win was not for them alone, but for us. For UT Mara, UiTM and a whole representation of young students who's aspirations are nothing short to creating change. The sweet spot was having even PM Najib himself congratulations us, even if it was on Twitter.

I may have fallen out of the loop for a temporary moment, following my failure at the Asians and Australs season and the tournaments that proceeded it. But no more, I'm back in the game - And I intend to make the best of it. I will make my first finals, and if better, win it.

2011-10-24T07:18:00.003+08:00

Someone just kill me now, please. Like really, pull that trigger and just, put that bullet into my head and lay me to rest so I don't feel any of this. I'm surprised I even managed this far.

the sands of time

2011-10-23T18:04:00.005+08:00

Time has a funny way of doing things. In the beginning of the year, when the fireworks blow up into rainbow drizzles - You foresee a year ahead of you. Plans may or may not go accordingly as you see it - But one thing is certain, it gets tougher than the year before you. Before you realize it, Day One of that year is done for, after much sleeping, puking and a nasty hangover to treat the next morning.

Come January. You walk down the streets with vigor and a new spring in your steps - It's the new year, new leaf. What better way to make changes? What better avenue and time to be better than you were in the previous year? But then - Life never goes according to plan. Before you know it, everything falls apart and once again, reluctantly, you're faced with demons of the past.

Because as much as the most of us don't admit it - Life is karma. And time, regardless, obeys the rule. There is a saying that goes, time waits for no man. If one heeded truth in those words. If you can't catch up with the ever-changing tides of the World, you would be left behind. Miss a bus, and you'd arrive two hours later.

But time too, has a different motive. It creeps behind us - Giving us sweet promises of tomorrow with its silver tongue: There's always the next time. Tell that to a person who's lost a first chance at things. At people who are faced with cancer and dying. Those who lost an opportunity of a million dollars, right in front of them. To them, the only time is here and now.

We live so laxly and idly, not knowing how fast time is flying right before our eyes. And personally, it feels just like yesterday as though I had entered my first class of this year. Now, it's October. Time really works in the most mysterious ways doesn't it? Believe me when I say that before you know it, November will creep right behind us. Then finally, December.

Time is beyond our control.

But with all this, time itself works with pain. Sometimes, we're inflicted with a pain shot right into our hearts that our only cure is time. We numb the pain to slowly make it disappear. Then one day, we wake up and realize it doesn't matter or mean anything to you - The pain is gone. Because the pain being there simply meant you cared still.

That's the part I'm afraid of. If you can't or don't care about it anymore, did it ever mean anything to you? I pray to God that at least when these tides of time pass, it still would. For me, I know it would - Yes, even when the tides of time pass. Because pain is bittersweet, it reminds me that there's still something worth fighting for.

dead of the night

2011-10-22T02:15:00.004+08:00

I sat alone by the pool. It was 1am and I was the only soul there, watching the clear still waters and looking at the tall block apartments reflected off it. In the dim and dark abyss of the waters, I see the stars.

But they don't feel inviting as they used to. Because you see, you can tell when stars feel cold. When they shine off you like the cold of the night would with its chilly still atmosphere and dead silence. You feel like you're the only one awake while all others are asleep. In fact, you are the watcher of the night.

Truth be told, I couldn't sleep well these days. I spend my waking hours drawing up close to dawn. This nocturnal behavior is fairly new, though I would prefer to think it was caused by insomnia and nothing else. But then, when you're awake, alone and left to your own thoughts - You can't help but start.

what other answer

2011-10-20T01:08:00.002+08:00

On nights like these, I find myself at the gas station sipping away to a warm styrofoam cup of caramel macchiato. It has quite the pleasant effect, really - Giving you the illusion that you're far away from it all and left with nothing but your thoughts and a warm cuppa.

Though it has only been four days since it has transpired, I could not help but wonder at the essence of it all and to where we are now. Necessarily, we walk away feeling justified for our opinions, beliefs and course of actions. The most difficult thing to do is to step into someone else's shoes and see things from their eyes.

Sometimes, it's because we can't. Sometimes, it's just because we're reluctant to do so. In the light of it all, I wish to myself that the answer is neither both. Because compromise is always the key to understanding. I am not one in the position to dictate but if I were to take any course of action, it would be one that I wished was for greater understanding.

As the cars roll by, I can't help but wonder - What did it all ever mean to you? I ask you this here because I couldn't get an answer. Not that I expect any in the closest time possible (take your time), but I ask of you to reflect, think and see yourself from where I stood all these years. It was never fair to desist me towards caring about you because you well enough know that I very much do, regardless.

You've never tried being in my shoes now, have you?

But pardon me, what would it matter but for the ramblings of a guy who's just typing this post away from his Blackberry at a petrol station, whilst sipping from a styrofoam cup. If only you knew. If only.

caught in stasis

2011-10-18T19:23:00.003+08:00

Anyone who's stuck around my blog long enough would know that for this year alone, I've used the word 'change' in my posts for more than thousands of times. That is an understatement, even. If there's anything we should know about ourselves, it's the god-damned fact that we can take anyone's advice but ours.

I so often preach about the subject that it should come to my own disappointment and shame that when faced with it face-up, I am taken aback. I'll admit it: I'm afraid of change, fact is - I loathe it. And when I speak of change, I talk of the huge sacrifices, not the small incremental ones. It's easy to change habits slowly like eating broccoli instead of cabbages, but anyone can do that.

True change is ones which stab you right in the heart. Ones which ache you in the middle of the nights and keeps you up, questioning your actions. And often times, you're faced with the dilemma of not knowing if you had taken the correct path. Because you see, change is exactly like a war. You have two sides fighting for the same goal yet taking vastly different paths. And even when you win, you sit down at nights alone, wondering if you really had won.

Because to tell you the truth, you'll never know if the trigger you pulled was the right course of action. All that you know at this point, was that it had to be done. And more often than not, at the expense of sacrifice. Because from this point onwards, you will have to leave with the collateral damage and memories of whatever had transpired.

I stay up 'till late night sometimes looking at the colder side of the bed, still feeling the memories entrenched. The cupboard that was once filled, now empty. Everywhere one walks, memories of past follow you. I would be lying if I said I do not feel stabs every once or so often. I feel like I'm trapped in stasis, slowly walking in quicksand towards the other side of change.

The price of change - Is that you lost your lover, your best friend, the person who means much to you. I only pray that in the future when we meet, we would see how far we've changed for the better and smile. Because at the end of it all, I still have six items on my checklist to tick off. No matter how long that may take. This isn't only for you, more importantly - It's for me.

in an inkling

2011-10-08T17:36:00.003+08:00

Because everyone has a threshold. A limit they can take to things and funnily enough the times when we said we can't go any further is the time when we know that if we just inched it even by the slightest bit - The tides will change.

I guess that's one thing apparent: change is hard. It's never easy and no one ever said it was going to be easy as a slice of pie. I'm inconsistent when it comes to this touchy issue. I say I embrace change and I'm always on an eager step towards it but yet I despise it. I despise knowing that when I change, other things change too and I end up losing more than what I can chew.

But I suppose I'm not alone.

Change is scary and it'll make you wish you never embarked it in the first place. But I've known so far that you have to go through the rain before you can see a rainbow. Things are always going to be harder first before it gets easier. I'm young - And I've never believed in delaying gratification. Changing that mindset is not easy as I tend to slip back and I feel afraid of moving ahead of myself at times.

Even the country's afraid of changing, seeing the recent Malaysian Budget 2012 Plan. We still want our subsidies and expect wages to rise but really, are we seeing any sort of trade-off here? Don't mind me - I'm just the ramblings of a pen whose ink is about to dry out. Maybe it's time I refilled it. Or better yet, get a new one.

R.I.P. Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T12:03:00.001+08:00

R.I.P.
Steve Jobs
1955 - 2011

"Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

night fever

2011-09-24T10:43:00.002+08:00

Agony is experienced in a few ways. The reason why I use the word 'few' selectively is because it's reserved for the most extreme of situations. When you've just gone through a surgery and you're lying on the hospital bed feeling your insides burning - Yeah, that's agony. A heartbreak and its emotional pain that lasts for months? That too. My recent agony may not have been as bad, but it certainly deserves a spot on that list.

I've recently got my wisdom tooth plugged out. Four stitches it was and the pain that followed once the drug started to wear off was insane. But I grew the better of it, I learned to deal with the pain although at times - It became intolerable. I've had worse perhaps, but not physically.

Yesterday night, I was stuck at home. My housemates had gone out to do their own errands and were not to return until midnight. Earlier in the evening, my fever was already peaking and by the time it was sundown, it was blazing throughout my entire body. My joint and limbs felt like it was on fire and I felt chills.

By nightfall, all alone in my apartment - It just got worse.

I don't know how long the agony lasted. But I do know that it occurred to me that I began feeling sorry for those who say they could live alone without the need for anyone. I cannot imagine how one could live to old age alone in their home. What if they fall sick? Or should no one be there for them? I guess my fever taught me that much. I couldn't even get past my room door, let alone to my car to drive me back.

My medicine did nothing to help though it did remove the pain slightly. I only wished so much as for company, or at least the presence of someone. Then again, I can't be asking for too much. My fever isn't as bad as it was the night before but I still feel the heat emanating for my body. Not sure how long this will last.

photo credits to enemyke

the usual silent treatment

2011-09-23T00:04:00.003+08:00

I'll cut to the chase: I'll be graduating a semester later than I should. Several academic complications ended me up where I am now though the silver lining behind this would be the fact I now have the company of my Malacca friends to stride the rest of the journey with. For this semester these are my subjects;

COM566 Communication Research & Methods
CTU553 Ethnic Relations
JRN415 Special Topics in Journalism
JRN518 Broadcast Journalism
JRN519 Advanced Reporting
JRN521 Copy Editing
LIB501 Management

My lecturers seem pleasant as of now though I'm feeling that there's a greater barrier I have to leap somewhere. I'm just not sure where, just yet. But I do know one thing, I'm no longer the same person I was last semester. He's dead, as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I just don't want to take any more bullshit and it's time I just pushed myself past my capabilities.

this fall

2011-09-07T21:33:00.004+08:00

Do you remember the last time you had a cup of caffeine whilst staring outside the window watching cars drive by? You felt tired, like you needed to run away from it all. So you took a half-hour drive to that drive-through Starbucks that they recently built in the middle of nowhere. It's a good escape and no one will ever find you here.

You breathe in the sweet scent of vanilla in your caramel macchiato and close your eyes for a moment. You imagine books you'd love to read, the soft feel of blades of freshly cut grass in the field and more importantly, the summer sun that'll shine down upon you as you laugh and roll in the grass. You remember the sweet kisses you'd steal under the tree behind the block during a lazy Sunday afternoon.

What changed?

Did everyone just grow older and more bitter? What happened to our friends from high school? You take your sleek new Blackberry and log in to Facebook. You stalk people. That's normal. In fact, everyone does that these days, you tell yourself. Your mouth becomes a thin line as you jump from profile to profile. Australia, UK, Russia, Germany, America - And where are you? Sitting in a desolate coffee bar wondering where your life's headed.

You begin to contemplate, and wonder. We all became the way we are because of the experiences we went through; the heartbreak, the lies, the disappointments, the hopes, the laughter and the tiny little rays of faith that pops by once so often in your life. You still wonder how you made it this far in life. Logically, or so you think, anyone should be a dead man at this point.

But you begin to realize that it's these experiences is what made you the person you are today. That what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. Yes, even if it does break a few bones. Wounds heal and you know maybe one day, things will be alright and you'll be able to renew sparks and rekindle old happiness. But for now, you're content - Because that's all you can be.

With a small resolute smile, you open up your journal and begin writing your new objectives. Because you know that this fall, everything's going to change. And it's going to change for the better.

photo credits to Inside_man

The Rise of Planet Of The Apes

2011-09-04T05:18:00.002+08:00

The Rise of The Planet Of The Apes

I'll be entirely honest with you. I've never watched any of the previous Planet Of The Apes installments that has emerged on silver screen, though I've caught a short glimpse of Tim Burton's re-imagined version some years back when I was younger. I saw an excerpt of this movie's synopsis in the paper and I'd thought it'd be interesting to just jump into the wagon and just spend away an afternoon. Besides, where better to start into a series than the origins of it, right?

And this is what Rise of the Planet of The Apes was all about. It brought us back to the question of how and when did the apes first start ruling over the planet and took an evolutionary leap over humankind. In a lighter subtle tone, I saw the movie also dealing with issues of adoption.

Caesar is an ape (and star of the movie) who was a result of a lab experiment that gave him heightened intelligence which he inherited from his mother, who was - In true scientific fashion, put down after a presentation gone wrong. James Franco, who stars as the scientist on the verge of developing a cure for Alzheimer's, a passion driven by his father who suffers from the disease - Brings back the baby chimp and decides to raise him like a child of his own. Though on fine drawn lines, he does treat him like an intelligent pet. Eventually, as years past and Caesar grows into a mature ape, mishap happens and James Franco can no longer take care of him. Now this is when the real story begins.

In movies that usually star animals, we find a hard line to draw between it being realistic enough to believe and also passing it off as cartoonish. Rise of the Planet of The Apes draws a line between the both and I believe it was the coherent plot centering itself around Caesar which drove the story forward emotionally. In the natural course of adoption, we see the path of how it goes wrong. Especially more when one is ill treated and feels betrayed and abandoned by the ones he cared for most. Call me racist, but at a certain point in the movie when James Franco was telling Caesar of his past and origins, it felt like a line drawn finely around a white family adopting a black kid. And you can't help but feel that in the whole movie when Caesar sees and realizes himself as imminently different from the people he lives around with.

But as I mentioned earlier, that's what drives the story forward. We see how these harsh changes forces the apes to take charge, plot and scheme around the humans who treat them badly. The acting by the human class is sub-par and at times draws on borderline stereotypical. No, the true stars of the show here is indeed the apes.

By the end of the movie, I don't know where I would put my finger in this movie. Rise of the Planet of The Apes is not without its flaws but it's an enjoyable way to pass away an afternoon. Though admittedly, once you get back home - You'd most likely think a bit into scientific experiments conducted on animals and you'd feel somewhat more sympathetic.

that tweet she wrote

2011-08-31T19:48:00.004+08:00

To say I lost it would be an understatement. I haven't. It's just that the circumstances don't allow what I do to make what I do anything anymore special. Again, who's to blame here if not for myself. I don't make her feel all giddy and blushy anymore? Sucks for me then. I know I should be looking towards what I have and not what I don't. But seriously, what do I do anymore than makes her all giddy and blushy? I mean, appearing at her doorstep, maybe. But I don't know. I wish I damn well knew. Though I'm being stupid - I guess. It's her old schoolmate, but whatever. I guess.

merdeka raya

2011-08-31T09:34:00.000+08:00

It's nice to see even Google celebrating Merdeka Raya with us Malaysians.

merdeka

2011-08-31T00:40:00.007+08:00

After 54-years of Independence, I think we've lost sight of what the word really means. And better yet, we lost it in this muck of racial disparities, political insults, messy development and a meager education syllabus. If you've recently took a peek into our textbooks distributed in schools, you'd find that it hasn't been revised since almost ten years ago. And while reading it, I must say I was disappointed to find it pretty much one-dimensional and I was surprised with how I managed to swallow all that while I was in school. But perhaps I was much younger and immature, that's why.

At times, I wonder if we truly understand the gravity of where our country's standing is right now. I wonder if the most of us realize that for the past many later years into Malaysia's independence, we've been fed stories from one-side of the coin. Do we truly understand what our forefathers fought for? I don't think so, not especially those who are sitting in the parliament on our tax money, screaming insults over one another telecasted proudly for all of us to watch on national television. Not that I watch that worthless channels anymore anyway.

Racial heat is a political tool those people in the parliament love to bring up from time to time. And some of us foolish enough to believe it get sucked into the pool of becoming "racial defenders" while claiming themselves nationalists and the last wall of defense for their race.

But really, if you just opened your eyes and looked around - We're already where our forefathers wanted us to be. In mamak stores, you see tables being filled with different races cheering for our Malaysian football team and they don't even give a damn that half the team is Malay. In buses, you see a Chinese working women giving her seat to an elderly Indian lady. An even more beautiful sight that many of us pas our eyes over are interracial marriages where two individuals who love each other look past skin color and see each other for who they really are - Humans.

And in the spirit of racial integration, something the people in the parliament lack the sight of - Is seeing each other as humans. That we're not any different from one another. Skin color shouldn't be the founding basis of anything. Least of all, job opportunities. If we stopped listening to all those lies, racial propaganda and one dimensional textbooks - We'll be one step ahead to where Tunku Abdul Rahman wanted us to be when he set foot in Britian to fight for our independence.

Sit back and look at each other for who we really are - Human beings separated by skin color. And when you break that wall down, that's when we transcend. Merdeka!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

2011-08-30T00:00:00.001+08:00

Eid ul Fitr
1 Syawal 1432

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
Maaf Zahir & Batin.

photo credits to muhd taufik

the path we pave

2011-08-29T11:34:00.003+08:00

At times, we find ourselves at crossroads. The deadlock of uncertainty between choosing and most of us wonder what past we should take. Would it be one that's tried and tested or one that's unventured? I for one, am not your conventional person.

I thrive of pushing the walls of differences, risk and exploration. Another common name the people I know give this trait would be called being crazy. But I suppose those who have carved history were always the radicals who believed most in their ideals and stood up for it even when everyone else laughed, condemned and mocked them.

If you believe in something, you would fight for it at whatever the cost. And that's what separates you from everyone else. There will always be those who stand on your doorway, leaning against it telling you can never do it and that it's just beyond comprehensible. But really, whose battle are they fighting? Not yours, that's for sure.

I remember a strong scene in The Pursuit in Happyness that starred Will Smith and his son. Will Smith, goes with his son to the basketball court. The son makes a shot, and then the father tells his son that he didn’t turn out to be good at basketball, and that the same would be the case for him, so he shouldn’t spend too much time practicing it. The son, with a look of clear discourage, drops the ball, and then starts to pack it into a plastic bag to take it away unused. Will pauses for a moment and goes to his son and puts a hand on his shoulder:

Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right? You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.

And I think he's right.

If you want something, fight for it. The road to your objectives, dreams and goals will not be painted with the color of roses and rainbows - It will be a tough road built on blazing hot tarmac and sharp rocks. No one ever said it was going to be easy, but the what you get at the end of it is an experience no one can ever give you but yourself.

who loves the sun

2011-08-27T22:59:00.003+08:00

There's a secret to making mix-tapes. It's a balancing act that's a combination of subtle messages and also a show of musical maestro. The perfect mix-tape is one where you finish listening to and you know you've just found songs that are going to be the soundtrack to your life for some time to come.

Where does that fit into this post? Absolutely nowhere. But I figured I needed an opening that would attract attention, and I hope it did. These following lines of words and photographs are a reflection of my flurry of experiences that I collected over the span of a crazy week that's got me going on a high, that's for sure.

I have a new-found discovery for road trips. And no road-trip is complete without its fair run of beautiful vistas, sights, scenery to boast and of course, an awesome mix-tape to drive with the top down. Though here, you may prefer to keep the windows up and the air-conditioning strong.

The thing about life is, that it's too short to make worry of everything. The best memories are ones where you throw caution to the wind, rake in spontaneity, take a deep breath and just jump into the raging oceans. You'll never know where the tides will take you, but that's the beauty of life. As terrifying as the unknown sounds, it's what brings excitement to life.

To know that you're living it to the fullest.

Melting tires. Blazing hot tarmac. Highways to Hell. Breaking fast. Family dinners. Midnights in the living room. Secret valleys. Beautiful lakes. Big fishes. Ikan bakar. Morning markets. Watching apes rebel. Family nostalgia. Secret beaches. Crazy car drives. Burger conversations. Resolutions and Dreams. Light castles. Monsoon storm. The highway to Nowhere. The darkness. Roaring engines. Retribution. Confession.

I know what I want from life - I want to live.

She's the light that guides me in the darkness
The beacon of myself chasing hope.

20082011

2011-08-20T10:34:00.003+08:00

Stevie Wonder was onto something when he sang the words, 'I'm gonna keep on tryin' 'till I reach my highest ground'. Every day, we wake up wondering about of life's goals and objectives and what best ways to attain them. We climb an uphill slope to reach to the top of that mountain. Because we know, when we've reached - We would've found serenity. In that small moment in our lives, we found happiness.

I'm finally twenty-one.

At that number, we try to view it's significance - Legality. I'm able to dip my hand into politics, I can now adopt a child if I wanted to and I'm able to apply for licenses for a large vehicle and oh, planes! Though for the time being, the three things are not really in my mind. My life goals and objectives are perhaps much more simpler than that, though no less harder a feat to achieve.

In the recent years since I discovered my passion for photography, I've shot countless of photographs. And I keep them safely where I look back at them once a while. Good times, good times. I try to remember the person I was in the past and sometimes I'd laugh at my naivety, foolishness and innocence. One one hand, I appreciate the maturity I've already grown into yet on the other, I wished still I had that innocence to protect myself from the World's troubles.

But make no mistake, moving is living. We grow ourselves to be better people, to change in order to achieve our life goals. And even that too, changes as we grow to be more experienced. A few good years ago, my passion was unbounded to become a photo-journalist. Though as I learned more in the field, I realize that I wanted to be, more practically a lecturer. We make life choices based on the smallest thread of circumstance and experience. And that's fine, because at the end of the day all we ever wanted was to reach our highest point.

To stand on the mountain peak, look past the clear air and valleys we once explored and breathe a sigh of relief. Then we look to the next mountain, smile - And climb back down. And that's life, we keep on building newer goals and dreams.

Happy 21st Birthday to me.

To everyone who wished me; be it texting, calling, writing on Facebook wall, mentioning me on Twitter or telling it to my face - Thank you. And thank you, for the letters, those made my day!

bleeding

2011-08-14T22:11:00.003+08:00

It's dark and I can't see anything. But that's okay, darkness is all I need. The memories of yesteryear replays itself over and over again. Her smile, her laughter and all those from innocent times before it was all shattered apart some eight fateful months ago. It was my fault, my doing that lead us to this ruin. She's already learned to pick up her pieces, to hold herself together. But I'm not that strong and here I am now in this darkness.

I revel in its comfort but yet the tears in my eyes would not stop flowing. I shudder and my body heaves a sigh of tiredness, guilt, shame and self-loathing. Were it not for my doing, things wouldn't have been this way. It could've been different. We could both be having an affectionate conversation right now paying no heed to other details of the fabric. But no, that alternate universe wouldn't exist here. If anything, I would envy my other self who is perhaps happier in his alternate universe for he took the right path down.

This feeling of relapse. I could only hold myself up for so long with a facade before it all breaks down. And it happens like a cycle of the full moon would. Surely, as I smile outside, I feel my insides tear themselves up and constantly punishing my own soul, heart and conscience for the pain I've caused unto her. Until it all breaks down. Sometimes, all it takes is just a song. Sometimes, reading through an entry of an old happier past. Sometimes, thinking of her alone would be more than enough to knock me down.

I could only wish I was stronger than this.

But I know, this is something I have to go through until I can fully make right for my wrongs. This feeling of tiredness, guilt, shame and self-loathing will forever be a cycle I carry out in the darkness of my night on my bed, with tears flowing. Memories serving to torture and remind me of what was once good. Only when I can set things straight, will I be able to fall asleep at night without pain. If only.

at our deathbeds

2011-08-14T08:34:00.003+08:00

At what point do we grow up? Is it when life has screwed us over so much that we decide to just say "fuck this" and just change with the tides. A rock by the sea is shaped by the tides that crash upon it. And life is never short of its challenges; the turmoil, pain, trials and tribulations it puts us through.

That's what makes us grow as a human. To know we're still alive, because only be moving with the tide you know you're living. To not move is to be afraid of change and not many dare to venture into it with open hearts. We move, I suppose, by circumstance. The death of a relative would drive us to remember that we don't have long in this World and suddenly we become more pious. Failing your subjects of the semester slaps you in the face and you suddenly move up and decide to start working harder.

We all need a catalyst. And more often than not, that catalyst is an ugly truth which we choose to ignore far too long until it grows to heavy for shoulders to bear. Only under the crushing weight then do we repent and whimper to take notice - To change.

For twenty-one years, I've seen changes crash themselves upon the people around me and myself. Only when I've felt a knife go through my stomach do I then move and change. It hurts, but we all get past it and change, look at the scar and remind ourselves this is how far we've gone. And these challenges will continue to shape our perspectives over and over and over again until we lose track of it. There is no moment when we we're truly ourselves because we're constantly changing.

And at the end, when death knocks the door of our homes we look at ourselves, at our past, the lessons we learned and breathe a sigh of relief. The end has come, and the changes that keeps on battering at our doorstep will finally stop. Death, preserves the final crystal image of who we represented ourselves to be remembered for the years to come after we're long gone. Death is absolute and certain, but it's the journey that makes it all worthwhile. All the loving, hurting, growing - And that's something no one can ever give you.

You're the one who'll be taking the wheel. So where will you drive it?

photo credits to Stefan Jansson

two at one shot

2011-08-13T16:58:00.002+08:00

It hits you when you least expect it.

When Ozz was laid off two days back, we were on our toes - Knowing it will only be a matter of time before one of us gets laid off. And unexpectedly, the bombshell was dropped. It sounded so casual, like it's what they do everyday.

I was suspended in a limbo of disbelief as I tried to grasp what was going on. I signed the form of details indicating how much I had earned up to this point, received the money, then promptly left. What was the point of staying anyway? Receiving your goodbyewecan'taffordtokeepyouanymore cash was a sign for us to walk to the exit with our tail between our legs.

This was in fact, my first experience being laid off.

Companies apparently do it all the time. It's when businesses are doing worse off than expected. You can't afford to pay your staff when your profits aren't there. So you lay your staff off, tell them that they've worked well but you can't afford them anymore. And then sigh and you watch them leave with an expression of disbelief in their faces.

Frankly, I took up that job to support myself financially next semester. The earnings I was expected to receive by the due of the month was supposed to be more than enough to last a semester including rent, fees and meals (I hope). The amount I left with was less than half of what it was. But I suppose that's the taste of what the working World is.

The experience was valuable and I suppose I have nothing else to add. My disbelief will be drowned tonight when I have a drinking session with my buddies, I hope. Though I could really use the comfort of a hug and a kiss on the cheek right now.

a hooker came to me

2011-08-10T00:52:00.003+08:00

With the government making a move to register illegal immigrants who are already on our shores, I found an opportunity to make some well-needed money while I still had the time. At least I know for this Raya, I'll have a stash of well-earned cash.

That's six days a week, 9am to 9pm. If I'm lucky, I get to go back at 5pm to break fast with my family. I'm thankful that I have the company of my ex-classmates, Fadli and Imran Ozz who make for an interesting and hilarious company.

And yes, that's what I'm doing - Helping in the registration of illegal immigrants. So far, I've learned a pinch of Bangladeshi. You wouldn't believe the number of immigrants you see here: Indonesians, Bangladeshis, Myanmar, Vietnamese and so far, I've had the luck to register a Chinese hooker.

Rare opportunity, that.

And when you see the plight, conditions and uncertainity of these people who come to our shores to find a better life - I can't help but feel more grateful for mine and appreciate what I have more. I guess we all know how the Mexicans feel now eh? Admittedly, the Bangladeshis I've met so far are by far the most jovial and nicest people I've met.

chasing pavements

2011-08-07T00:52:00.000+08:00

the red bricked road

2011-08-03T11:20:00.009+08:00

The red-brick road creaked as she tip-toed on them, making sure to jiggle the loose ones around. To which her reaction would be a giggle, something about her I find endearing. New Year's was well spent, for we had ventured through many of Malacca's interesting alleys and sights and sampled its honest delicacies. I knew for one, that she enjoyed herself today - And that alone brought joy to me.

Seeing her smile made me happy. It fed me with this feeling of overwhelming emotions that even in a thousand words could I not describe. But the perfect day was coming to an end, like all good things would. Long before we knew it, we were already at her college. She was going back up to her room, and then the day would end. And all this wonder would be nothing more but memories.

I had to tell her.

I lingered around, awkwardly posing myself for a "I had fun today. Goodnight, I'll see you tommorow". But she didn't go. She smiled and we walked to the bank of the lake and looked towards the glistening waters which reflected the jewels of stars in its dark vast map. There was a silence, but it was one which I felt comfortable with. The type where I would just want to take her hand and profess my love under the witness of the stars.

We talked idly and of the day's events. I felt happy when she said she enjoyed today. It was in a casual tone but I could tell underlying those layers, there was no other better way she would have spent her New Year's. As we talked, I felt the emotions in me bubbling. The tingling sensation in my heart and the butterflies that roam in my stomach seemed to be growing by the minute.

I liked her a lot. And I knew it. The nights where I would foolishly grin to myself when the both of us would chat online, and the bedtime stories I would craft for her as well as all those underlying double-conversations we had - I knew. I was confident and certain that she was the person I've definitely fallen head over heels for.

And she's no fool. She knows as well. But I have to do something, I had to - "I need to tell you something". Shit, it spilled out. Just like that. Wait, play it cool. She paused and waited attentively, maybe I should just skirt this possible confession and just chuckle it off. But at that very moment, I felt my feet rooted to the ground, my mouth gone dry and my brain buzzing numb. For that miraculous moment, I had become dumbfounded.

She looked at me smilingly. God, that smile. That adorable smile that never fails to make my heart skip beats. She seemed amused and rightfully so, I was a step away from making myself look like the biggest fool on Earth. My heart was pounding on the walls, screaming at me to just tell her - Confess. That it's now or never.

I recalled the first moment our hands met in the cold auditorium and the burst of confused yet overwhelming emotions that flooded every senses of me. It was real and that was the first time I've ever felt anything of that sort. In fact, she was the only person to have ever made me felt that crazy way. It was insane, addictive and I loved the high. But like any drug, I longed more. I could not do with only having exchanging sweet words and my emotions masked under it. I was afraid of a next step, if any. But were it with her, I'd gladly. With her - It would be an adventure.

Throwing all to fate, I confessed.

water over wine

2011-07-28T09:29:00.003+08:00

In life, we cross at junctions that puts us in a spot that makes us have to choose between decisions. Being young and foolish, most of us would opt for the easier choice most of the time. Hardly do we sit own and figure out what these decisions would lead to in the long run.

In the past, I was often the one to sit and ponder (perhaps a shade too long) on what decisions I have to take forward. And still, most of them would end up wary. Maybe because I never thought it through. The most of us step into our decisions without taking account into the consequences that recur from such choices. And only when the repercussions and damages inflict post-decision, do we regret. Only then do we realize.

In my defense, I'm still young enough to learn through the mistakes of my decisions. But that itself shouldn't become an excuse anyone should turn to if only to make themselves feel better.

We all have facades we put up to mask our weaknesses. A face we show to others to not allow them to prod and peer into ourselves, maybe because we're just afraid to get our egos damaged. For many reasons attributed to my decisions and the way I grew up - My facade is transparent yet impenetrable. I hide my fears behind a wall of silence, yet my body language (more transparent than I) could not contain it.

In my head, words form. Yet my mouth can never say half the things I would like to, and why exactly becomes a mystery to me. We lie to ourselves, we convince ourselves that the lies we live with are the truths and we simple choose to ignore those truths. And when the wall comes crumbling down, only then do we scatter and regret. Only then do we turn to humility and redemption.

Four years ago, I promised myself 'water over wine'. That the decisions I make in life would be on how it can make me into a better person; decisions that are necessarily difficult and rewarding at the end of the tunnel as compared to ones that self-gratify. In these course of years, I've lost my way and forgotten that very lesson I vowed myself to.

It's time I turned to it again and set my life straight.

2011-07-27T12:51:00.001+08:00

lazy day sunday

2011-07-24T14:54:00.004+08:00

What new adventures are we crafting today? Is it a new fiction novel we're planning to immerse ourselves in this Sunday afternoon. Is it the ingredients of a cake, swirling in pink flour and purple colorings. Or how about a good sleep that will sail one away to lazy afternoon dreams. We all have our ways and as mundane as it may sound, Sundays are a given right to enjoyment. Other than Saturday, it's the only day of the week we're allowed to pull slack and drag ourselves our of bed when the clock strikes one o'clock in the afternoon.

Had I any inspiration, I would grab my camera and walk the empty Sunday PJ streets - Photographing desolation. It has been ages since I've taken myself to any form of casual photography. For these past months, I've mysteriously lost the inspiration and drive. It's nothing serious but I suppose not being able to derive enjoyment out of it anymore is quite a bother.

My writing juices lately have been seeping back. In small spurts perhaps but that's indeed better than my past predicament where forming words took excruciating pains on my part and I'd end up with drafts of sentences that I would delete no sooner than you can say the word 'purple oranges'. Hopefully, I'll keep the momentum going as well as keep this blog of mine alive. After all, it would be a dreadful waste to be seeing this monument of four years dead.

I've rants, but we'll wait for that later. Enjoy your Sunday, folks.

photo credits: Fussel

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Two

2011-07-23T18:22:00.005+08:00

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Two

There's something about the Harry Potter series that amazes you. Little did I realize ten years ago, watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and the boy wizard eating chocolates frogs - This boy, was going to revolve himself into a civil war. The innocence of ten years ago had grown up, like the most of us. And it has accepted the change, the experiences, the hardship and that was a theme that existed in J.K.Rowling's books as well as the movie series. By Prisoner of Azkaban, I was mildly annoyed when the magical goodies and wonders that were presented to in the first two installments were replaced with darker themes. But that is what growing up is about. And that's what the Harry Potter series presented to us.

It was more of eight months ago was I watching the first part of Deathly Hallows and it enthralled me. It presented to me a growing tension and wonderment to what the conclusion may as well be waiting for us in the second installment. And boy, did the conclusion pay off. Director David Yates wisely sliced Deathly Hallows into two parts to better captivate the audience in emotional engagement. Had this been one movie, many would have probably lost attention or feel overwhelmed and I wouldn't blame them.

The setting for the second part is at Hogwarts, where war is brewing. The hunt of the Horcruxes have led the trio down this path where inevitably, the last stand will take place where it all began. We see familiar faces again and instead of this being overwhelming (which some movies tend to do), every character has a part to play and a reason to be there. And this was there the emotional engagement took its hold onto me. We see the students and faculty of Hogwarts defending the castle down to the last person. And you can't help but feel choked up when you realize these are people who are defending something they truly love and care for: something that transcends a meaning more than just a school for wizards and witches. We see a familiar place we once wondered and loved upon being destroyed, burned and rubble to the ground - And we could not but feel sadness, no matter how mellow.

Unlike the first part, the second part is fast-paced, brimmed with action and still manages to make you shed a tear or two. We've seen Radcliffe, Rupert and Watson from the Sorcerer's Stone building their relationship all the way up to this point of finality. And this isn't exclusive to them - It runs through the whole cast and you can feel it. And that's what made this series worked on for so long. It's what kept the magic going and you could feel it through the well thought-out scenes, the script, the plot and more importantly - The spirit.

After it all, I can safety say that I was swayed. No, enthralled. Ten years of magic - And we know it's not over yet. There will be newer children everyday reading the series created by J.K.Rowling and these kids will also be watching this amazing movie series that adapted from it. The cast, whose lives grew up around these installments will always be fondly remembered by us all. I'm proud to have been a part of this generation who witnessed the coming of a legend in art. Harry Potter indeed is and will always be, The Boy Who Lives.

when darkness falls

2011-07-21T16:18:00.003+08:00

It's already hit the half-year mark. Funny how time flies regardless whether you notice it or not. It was just as though it was yesterday I recall sitting cross-legged on the platform between two towers and watching the sunset fade into violet while individuals dispersed and returned back to their dorms. Yes, I was talking about the National Novice Debating Championship I helped organize back then in February.

The minty scent wafting with the winds, mixing my glistening sweat on my forehead and all I needed sorely then was a feather-fluffy pillow and a hot mug of Milo. Things then, didn't seem complicated as it would have been now. But then again, that's the comfort of time isn't it? The past never seems to bode any worse than what you're bound to face in the future. When we look to the past, we either hang our heads in guilt and feel that pinch, or perhaps if given enough time, we laugh back and chuckle over the fools we were.

We grow and we mature, that's the important thing. There's never a point when anyone can proclaim their maturity almost immediately after limping scathed from a demonish conflict within himself, no. Maturity is something that grows, it starts when we begin choosing responsibilities over leisure in times when it's needed and it's a life-long process you're bound to. Perhaps until you infect senility, but I'm being slightly pessimistic there.

I may not dictate how others control their course of life but my past is a book that teaches me. And I learn through memoirs I've recorded or collected, a magpie character I acquired from young. Movie ticket stubs, a stolen pencil from Ikea, a keychain I bought in Paris, a button badge from a photography exhibition - All are simple items that have memories to them. Memories that remind me that no matter how bad my current predicament may be, good still exists and it was most certainly real. More importantly because I felt it with my heart, and I know as an answer that was real enough for me.

And that's something I believe no one's doing much lately. When thrown into a conflict be it with their own demons or with others, they wallow and fall depressed. They take knives and slit wrists and take such drastic measures that the person we once knew, no longer existed. They have twisted their inner selves into someone else and it becomes obvious through a cracked facade. In the brightest of light, one will always find darkness falling almost closely behind. And that's life, both must exist in order to strike a balance.

But just because the darkness looms over the light, it doesn't mean the light cannot be victorious. It doesn't mean that hope has cease itself to exist and there are no more means to escape from this despair. Our memories and good times are there for a reason, they are a beacon of hope we hold on to when our sanity is pushing to a brink and our heart is close to breaking apart. There were times in our past when love, hope and laughter were real and those are tools we use to fight of the darkness, the despair. And in times of conflict, a smile is perhaps the best cure. And we only smile when we look towards hope.

"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
-J.K.Rowling

photo credits to CubaGallery

to: Spring

2011-07-18T23:02:00.003+08:00

Dear Spring,

How are you? It's been awhile since we've wrote haven't we. And I have to admit, I miss it rather terribly. Long gone are the days I'd wait by my window, looking outside to the mailbox hoping, and wishing on the sight of the mailman and rush down with enthusiasm and glee written over my face - A letter with my name on, written lovingly with your handwriting. Ahh, tales from a wonderful past. But things have changed much since then.

We've moved far from the small town we once met; and the familiar lake we used to walk around every night under the glistening stars. We grew up, and we changed. And we held on with the belief that the distance won't change us, neither will we let the environment we were thrown into. Like young lovers would, we tied our promises to our pinkies with knowing smiles. But would we have known that a year later, this is where we would be?

I opened my eyes this morning and realized how I had lost almost everything I cherished. I lost your heart and your feelings. The emotions you once shared with me were gone because I made the Devil's decision in cheating on you. And I will not set and excuse to it, for that was what I did. I cast you aside and decided to share what we were with another person whom now I look back, could never be anywhere significant - I was a fool. By the time we met at the crossroads, I was too late. You had harbored a year of a broken heart and now it was to much too take. Nothing I could say nor do reverse back all the lies I put up and learned the hard lesson of truth.

It had been a few months since we last cut both our wrists open and bled in front of each others truths. We talk, we try to laugh and still maintain what good relations of threads we still have left. At any point since then, I decided that I wanted no one but you and if that meant going down a hard path - Then that would be something I'm making a conscious decision of doing. We fight almost in every conversation, where I would wish for emotions of the past to be present again but you could not afford to bring it because it was too painful for yourself. To a certain point, I understand. Perhaps my belief is this: that if you hold on too much on protecting yourself by remembering the bad things, you will never allow yourself to heal. You can never allow yourself see what good existed because all you see in the end is all the bad things.

Any person in my shoes would have decided to walk away with his tail between his legs, mope for a few months and find comfort in other women who would not know his past for the first few weeks and then move on to a new life. But why have I not taken this conventional route? Would it have not been easier? One could find many other fishes in the sea, after all.

But you're not a fish, for one. You're a person I love. A person who my whole being shivered and heart shook when we first held hands in that hall (and later I found out that it was just for fun). The feelings I had for you genuinely grew over the months we began knowing each other and those midnight conversations and bedtime stories. And when I was all alone at the island trip, I could not think of anyone else I'd rather walk down the shore under the midnight shining stars but you. And that feeling I cannot keep in moved me, I took your hand soon after and asked if we could be together and you said yes. I slept that night (and for the rest of the week) a man full of smiles. We fight terribly and to a point of non-reconciliation and almost always moving each others to a point of exasperation, but at the end, we'd always take back each others hands, embrace and move past it.

When we walk, I'd always glance at your beautiful face and always think myself lucky how I could have had a woman who had the most adorable personality in the World and could make my heart burst with emotions and make me just want to embrace her until I pop her like a balloon would if you squeeze it too hard. Yes, I just said that. And though it had been months since that day when we bled our truths, even when we're together - I still feel a sense of longing towards you, a feeling in my heart I can never really shake off. When we're apart - My mind never really can make yourself absent from it. I could not walk down an interesting place and not think this is something you would definitely love to see and experience. There's so many things I feel and wish I can write with this wearing keyboard - But that would take days perhaps and I'm one who'd rather just hold your hand, embrace you and just let all my words melt itself into explaining my emotions.

I cannot ever justify the wrongs I've done and the lies I've told. Regret and remorse eats my heart up every day, more than you know and it is something I will never do again. But if there's one things I'm certain: it's that I love you. More than anything, and certainly more than you realize. My words may have fumbled and may have been jumbled in syntax and over-complication - I just need you know that even after all this time, after all the words that have been spent on this hour of sentences: I love you.

Yours always, Love,
Autumn.

roll out

2011-07-18T19:15:00.002+08:00

I don't know about you, but I found this doctored photos of Malaysia's 9th of July "Bersih March" pretty hilarious. I was in Seoul, Korea the time the march commenced and so far, I've already drawn my own conclusion to it. Maybe I'll post about it soon.

Korea Australs '11

2011-07-17T13:44:00.003+08:00

Let me be frank with you, I've never ever done the role of a third speaker. I find it unnerving, sitting down and listening to at least four speeches before yourself and finding up ways to summarize the debate into bite-sized issues in a different perspective. For Korea Australs '11, that's exactly what I had to do. And oddly enough, I actually enjoyed it. Spending half an hour of preparation time listening and arguing with my team-mates on cases while I don't need to write anything down other than the backbone of our case.

This time around, Australs was held in South Korea and I expected nothing less than a butt of jokes regarding the South and North Korea conflict throughout the whole tournament. My three-on-three teammates, Emellia and Shila once again drew up the game to make sure we had it all solid throughout.

One thing which intrigued me was how many of my seniors mentioned of this 'white fright'. A condition a non-White speaker gets when they face up against a white speaker. The case may as well be downright silly and easily maneuvered but upon going center stage, one drops the ball and just loses it. I'm happy enough to say that I didn't engage in that and even showed them a good fight. A speech which my team-mate Emellia said she was proud of and believe me, praises are not easy with her. I've seen myself improving tremendously from round to round.

But enough on me. Throughout the whole tournament muddled by constant rain and kimchi, UT Mara say itself having two teams break; something which only happened once many years back. This was a milestone and to it all, we saw UT Mara Team 1 give their best shot all the way down to the Quarter-Finals. Unfortunately, my team did not manage to break given the sometimes unfair circumstances involving dodgy adjudicators as well as performance-wise issues. But a promise I made to myself was to be a breaking team by the next Australs which will place itself at Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand.

The finals featured NUS 1 going head on against Victoria 1. NUS 1 being the third Asian team to be in the Australs finals according to history. As the debate commenced and headed down to the announcements, secretly in the whole hall, we were rooting for NUS 1. It was a tension between Asia and Australia. But maybe fate had its own decision and Victoria 1 walked away winning Australs '11.

I wouldn't know how to put a finger into this tournament as I no longer feel a glaring distant alien feeling as I would have in other tournaments. In fact, surreality never striked me once in this tournament and I came back home feeling no different that had I left to Korea. No difference other than the knowledge that I'm a better debater than I was before. Could the exclusion of this usual surreality be any good? I wouldn't know and maybe I don't exactly want to either. Either ways, let's just move forward.

to what extent

2011-07-16T13:15:00.003+08:00

When you spend your nights silently crying into your pillow and recollecting all that was lost, you can say for certain that you're definitely broken somewhere. My hands are bloodied and the scar on my palms are many but deep scratches. Some vent our negative emotions through anger, some through serenity and some by cutting themselves off.

This constant pain in my chest, why is it there? Is it because I care far too much when I shouldn't be? Or it is because I long for something that shines dimly from time to time. The glimpses are rare, but it certainly makes my day. Though I would say those moments are now hard to find. I cannot shake myself off from these feelings and perhaps this is the only way I still feel that I'm human. the only way I'd know that I truly still care.

Silence and ego has never solved conflicts, and I would always put those two aside and be a better person to make things oil. But at what expense? I'm the one walking away with my heart bleeding. I'm the one who feels the misery and the pain every night before I go to sleep. And really, how can anyone sleep at night like that. I still fight because I know I care.

Tears drop on my keyboard as I try to slowly compose myself. Everyone wants to feel appreciated and needed. Is it so hard to just set aside one's ego and just say sorry? What is it that draws it near to impossible to just well-wish someone, to drop a message wishing a safe journey. What forms the intention to silence yourself? I'm dying and I've scarred blood on my hands more than I've ever done in the past.

I'm just afraid that if I reach the brink - I may as well take the step to end this pain permanently. I can only take so much of this life.

Transfomers: Dark of the Moon

2011-07-02T11:21:00.003+08:00

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

This year looks like a year of sequels, and undoubtedly so with movies like Cars 2, Scream 4, The Hangover 2, Kung Fu Panda 2, Fast Five and more recently Pirates of the Caribbean: On Strange Tides. And finally, the final installment of the Transformers series which were avidly awaited by fans came along to grace the summer blockbuster scene.

I was on the fence wondering if I should watch the movie in 3D. Many past reviews of different movies which used 3D never came down to good ones but I figured where can anyone go wrong with 3D glasses in action movie right? It was a choice well made. This was my first time watching a movie in 3D and Transfomers: Dark of The Moon blew me away with their 3D scenes which are adequate enough for a movie-goer like me.

The Transfomers movie series always has been notorious for its gaping plot as well as cartoony dialogues but yet raping your senses with full blown action and the blowing and crashing of cars and robots. I guess for adrenaline-rushed fanboys, this is more than enough to last them through the few hours. And let's not forget the heroine eye candy Micheal Bay so loves to feature. In the previous two, fans were treated to Megan Fox and while she may be gone in the third installment, Whiteley replaces Fox as LaBeouf's new love interest who does little to offer anything to the plot other than her curves. To be frank, I can at least say that Fox had more to contribute to the plot in the previous two compared to Whiteley.

Transformers: Dark of The Moon will leave your brain exhausted trying to piece the plot together. It's worth a watch for the flash and bangs, but beyond that - It's nothing more. I was disappointed with how a few key characters like Megatron are given a secondary if almost, no role at all in this third installment. If you need evidence, watching the second-half of the movie would be more than enough to get you raising eyebrows and wondering why the hell did that just happen. Though at least this was far less tiring to watch than Revenge of the Fallen by which the last hour was a drag through the sands for me.

At this point, Transformers: Dark of the Moon is not a movie you'd watch to appreciate, but perhaps one to just get a load off your mind and just console yourself with the fact you just watched Hollywood's biggest running blockbuster of the summer and thank yourself it's all finally over.

Colmar Tropicale, Bukit Tinggi

2011-06-27T20:33:00.009+08:00

There's no getaway better than a idyllic hill with a small sleepy fairy-town tucked in the middle of the forests. You get the freshest of environments, the coolest of airs as well as a constantly relaxed atmosphere - Something all urban dwellers find precious. I have this love affair for hills. There's just something intriguing and magical about living a few thousand feet above sea level, in a quiet town where everyone knows each other.

Recently, I took a drive up to Bukit Tinggi to pay a day-visit to the famous Colmar Tropicale. It's a place I've visited once with my family when I was younger and I remembered then being mesmerized by the late-night magic shows, the colorful lights, the small little cafes and bakeries and the stone-floors that stretch over the small town. It was as thought I had stepped out of the urban stressful city of Kuala Lumpur and transported to a town where stress is taboo.

Driving uphill took me less than 45 minutes (I went about 40km/hr maximum) and the road uphill certainly felt safe. I didn't have to drive my car perched on the edge staring into a death ravine and the roads were certainly wide enough for two vehicles traveling in alternate directions. And like any hill travel, I turned off my air-conditioning and rolled down the windows. Who needs artificial cool air when the high altitudes offer you one so much better right?

Driving along Bukit Tinggi's roads, the first attraction you will spot is the horse stables which run an entry fee of RM2. I didn't drop by but it certainly looked mildly interesting. I'm not certain if they charge extra for riding the horses but I drove on and found myself on a split road - The left heading up to the Four-Faced Buddha and the right heading onwards to the Colmar town. I drove uphill left down a deserted road and found myself on a plateau with an open temple in the middle.

Four Faced Buddha

It sits alone in the middle of the temple, the four solemn faces staring out to all directions. There is a sense of majestic pride but also loneliness. The temple is usually deserted with exception to the foreign workers nearby. Though I would like to think that there would usually be a mass during certain times of the week or month. Pay your respects by taking your shoes off before entering the temple and perhaps admire the golden-build figure. For those who feel like it, there are prayer mats and incenses provided at an isolated corner. Like the temple itself, there is nothing much to offer here other than solid awe, admiration and prayers - But that done with, you best be on your way.

Estimated Time Spent: 10 minutes

We continued our adventure down the road and found ourselves driving along a vast space of a golf field. This would have been the perfect place for a picnic if it wasn't against the rules and regulations of the area which clearly emboldens itself in the form of post and signs saying that picnics are strictly not allowed. We continued driving down the quiet road and spotted an animal farm that sports an entry fee of RM3. We drove past instead, pushing that for the last item on our travel itinerary.

Finally, up ahead the road there was a toll booth marking the entrance into the Colmar Tropicale. I found the entry fee reasonably priced at RM12 (Adult) per person. Almost immediately after the toll you'll be greeted with a split road - The left leading up to the Japanese gardens and the right leading up to the Colmar Village. Unless you were exhausted from the drive and just feel like chilling out and get refreshments - I would suggest you heading uphill to the Japanese gardens first, which is what we did.

Japanese Gardens

The drive uphill would let you to a base area where you can park your vehicle. This area also serves as a waiting area for visitors who came here by the resort's buggy. This is where I suggest you wear something sturdy and comfortable because its going to be a walk uphill all the way from here. Girls, ditch your fancy shoes right here unless you want it broken and torn as what happened to Tina when she climbed the uphill road with her wedges. Flip-flops, slippers or sneakers would be ideal here.

The climb uphill takes no more than a few good minutes depending on how athletic you can get and the results can be amusing if you suggest a race with your buddies to the top. Upon arriving the top base of the Japanese Gardens, you will be greeted with a proud sign claiming itself to be the World's First Japanese Garden in a Tropical Forest. Trust Malaysians to bank on anything that would glorify, huh?

This is where I suggest you to turn left and take a stroll through the zen path leading up to the tea-house. And when you're in the Garden of Zen, one walks barefoot. Walk the path and you'd know soon enough you would have arrived at the tea house if you hear the sound of calming waters and spot the pointed-like roof motif of the tea house a bit further up.

The quaint modest tea house offers you a choice of renting out kimonos to wear for RM20, along with the perks of being able to walk around the garden in it as well as engage in narcissistic photos. For the around the same price, you can engage in a traditional tea drinking session which is a quite a Japanese thing. For the budget traveler, I would recommend skipping this altogether and just enjoy the lush zen the garden offers, which is much - The silent stream, the breath of fresh nature surrounding you would be more than enough to rejuvenate you. Around the corner is a Japanese spa bath and a guest house you can stay in for a hefty amount. Unless you have money to spend, then you're probably done here.

Estimated Time Spent: 20 minutes

Botanical Gardens

I would sound biased on this point, but comparing the Japanese Garden to the Botanical Gardens, I find the latter a huge disappointment. Not only the variety of flora here was as uninteresting as the tarmac road I drove on, but the management didn't make much of an effort to spruce up the place, even. The plants sport a small sign next to them with a small description but that's that. It's something I'm used to seeing at primary school gardens and though the atmosphere is relaxing, I found myself not feeling the garden so much as botanical. A hill-park would perhaps be a better choice of words to describe this place.

The Botanical Gardens is a small area leveled by stairs that eventually lead you downwards to a greenhouse. If you're not interested in looking around the flora though, the Japanese restaurant Ryo Zan Tei would satisfying your oriental cravings. The menu is of a typical Japanese restaurant and the prices would be no different that the ones you would see in the shopping malls. If you fancy, you can indulge in a Japanese meal outside along the fresh cool hill air.

Estimated Time Spent: 5 minutes

At this point, I didn't see anything left for me here. The souvenir shop has a modest amount of merchandise there which I'd think is not worth your money. I mean, come on - If the Cornetto ice-cream sold there is RM5, you know the place's not worth spending a souvenir on to show off to your family and friends. Again, for the budget traveler - Avoid spending here. It's time you headed downhill back to the foot-base to either take the buggy shuttle to Colmar town or drive there. The town is close by and you'd know it the moment you see a castle-like architecture towering over your view. Drive onwards to the town and find yourself a parking, it's time to walk about and get a look.

Colmar Village

Walking in the Colmar Village makes you feel like you've magically transported to small town in France. The town-like houses, the clock-tower, the bakeries and cafes and the well - It does well to build an atmosphere of isolated sereneness where one can sit outside a cafe for hours, sipping a cup of coffee while chatting with their soul-mate. Colmar Village was modeled after a French village of the same name and this town has a little bit of everything for everyone. It's picturesque, which will appeal to photo enthusiasts as well as those who wish to spice up a new Facebook profile photo.

There are game rooms, a souvenir shop, a swimming pool as well as a beautiful garden to walk around. The "moat" in front of the village is inhabited by several swans which would amuse you for a while (I know Tina was). But all in all, this is a place where you'd want to take your lover's hand and just walk down the street - admiring the build of the area.

Now, I only went for a day trip on a weekday but I know much that on weekends, the town is filled with laughter, music and people enjoying each others company. If you're with a group of friends who are just out to enjoy a weekend together, a suite would be more than enough if you're all willing the split the cake and also not forget to bring a board-game or two for the night. If that's not your form of entertainment, the game rooms will suffice to kill away time with some healthy competition on the pool table and some arcade games.

If you're in to satisfy gastronomic taste buds, there are the cafes and a bakery. The price range is somewhat slightly above average, a normal meal costing your wallet around RM30 or so. My suggestion for the budget traveler here would be to stock up on food before embarking uphill lest you wish to only dine on bread. The price range for pretty much everything around here is either double or kicked up somewhat higher than average prices you'd spot in your local cafe.

If you come about on certain times, there would be performances in the town center stage. For any reason memorable, I vividly remember the magic show performed here some many years back and apparently, it's still ongoing even until today. There are also dancing performances here - All for your entertainment.

Estimated Time Spent: 1 hour

Since I was here for no specific purpose, I didn't have much to awe over after some time. The view from the tower was amazing but one can only look out for so long and I was planning to head back down to KL before sundown. I know one thing for sure was that a night view in the Colmar Village was splendid, so if you're in for enjoying colder night air as well as a more beautiful view - Stay on a bit longer past sunset.

I drove out, passing by the castle-like building. Honestly saying, I wasn't entirely sure what that building was though I suspect it was a hotel resort for those who want a medieval feel. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't fancy staying in a castle-like hotel that looks creepy and has empty knight suits staring blankly in my room holding a battle axe. Anyway, I drove past the entry toll and headed downhill to cover the last attraction on my itinerary.

Animal Farm

Don't be fooled by the sign saying 'Animal Farm'. This place is far from it. Entry fee was RM3 and if you fancy feeding the rabbits, it costs RM3 per packet of feed to allow these furry beasts to indulge in. There is an open area where the rabbits are allowed to roam free and stretch around their legs. If you're a lover of all things cute, this is the most appropriate place to start squealing and going excited. Word of caution though: the workers here don't allow you to pick up the rabbits, Tina did so and got scolded by them. I wouldn't get the rationale but then, I wouldn't see the harm in picking up a rabbit, cuddling and stroking it.

If you bore quickly of the rabbits, step to the side and you will see a stable where the donkeys and deer are kept. If you're interested in feeding the mules, come around 1 to 2pm, which is their feeding time. As for me, I was mildly interested in the mules and went back to the main area to visit the coop out front. This is where they keep the peacock, guinea pigs, deers and baby rabbits. There is a turtle nearby and at this point, this is where I say that unless you love rabbits or you're a small child, paying RM3 to enter the Animal Farm isn't close to worth your money.

There's a playpen in the area that you can relive your wildest childhood colored ball dreams though, if you want to make it your money's worth.

Estimated Time Spent: 20 minutes

Bukit Tinggi is ideal for couples where they can spend time together and enjoy each other's company in the midst of a serene getaway in the middle of a hill-like area. I've always been a firm believer that for the best quiet environments, to a point to romanticism even - Has always been one in the hills. Colmar Tropicale has this ideal setting where you'd feel like you're walking not in Malaysia, but in a foreign town where magicians and dancers walk the street, the baguette's crisp and warmth is just perfect on a Sunday morning and the coffee tastes just right.

It's a getaway that's perfect if you're looking for a breather and escape from the hustle and bustle of city life and just indulge in the quiet atmosphere nature has to offer. Though my advice for most people would be: make it a day trip, it'll be more your money's worth.

Estimated Cost:

RM12 - Entry into Colmar Tropicale (Adult Rate)
RM5 - Entry for other attractions
RM50 - Food and Beverages (Standard Meal)

Recommended reading: Cuti.com.my - Colmar Tropicale, Berjaya Hills

photo credits to second shot, kuantan hotels

what makes a voice

2011-06-04T18:56:00.004+08:00

I should be a bit more calm about things. You know, since life doesn't exactly go as planned at all. There are some people like me, who like to plan certain things to make sure at least something happens. But sometimes, the universe loves conspiracy. It loves throwing a monkey wrench into your plans and just find it immensely fun to screw you over. I guess for people like me, it becomes a lesson to not stick to your plans entirely lest you want to be upset, disappointed and end up frustrated beyond words.

Lately, I find it increasingly hard to stay patient as I used to last time. I guess truth be told, my fuse is running short. I guess I'm just sick of my plights falling under the rubble, going unsaid or passing by without so much as a light ripple. In the past where I would sigh, it has now grown to expressive anger with a colorful slew of words sometimes in high volumes. Maybe that's the Leo in me rearing its prideful head out. But even as I roar, it's ineffective and others view it as either immaturity or pass it off as a temporary spell.

I'm tired of being silent. Of having no voice and being the one in the background. Like Colin Firth in The King's Speech, I just want to be heard because I have a voice. I'm changing and so is my character, but not my heart. My heart remains the same, though one could say the heartache does nothing to improve character nor mood. But that is nothing I cannot blame but on myself. Maybe self-complex gets in the way but I feel awkward to voice out of I don't have much to say lest I make myself look like a fool.

Do I care too much about what others think of me? Perhaps so. Is it that important? Reputation to me, is important - Though no doubt, mine is gone. Am I afraid of making myself look like a fool? Yes. And maybe that's my weakness. To say something stupid for once and accept that no one is perfect, that would indeed, be my flaw. And that is why if I keep on to it - I'll get nowhere.

And its these weaknesses is what stops me short from becoming a person with ambition, ego and determination. In short, a man. I'm still growing into one.

2nd United Asians Debating Championship '11

2011-06-04T12:38:00.003+08:00

The only step anyone needs to take when they're boarding a plane is one that would leap them across continents and bring themselves to a new land filled with opportunity, hope and chance. UADC '11 held all that in our hand, and though I departed a day later than my seniors the chance and hope filled me nonetheless.

I was chosen to adjudicate for UADC '11, with the solid deal that I was to debate in Korea Australs '11 that was due two months afterwards. My team-mates Shila and Emellia were to adjudicate as well while UT Mara had three teams on hand to grab this tournament by its arms and win our way through.

Perched on top of a hill facing the main island, the University of Macau was no less than the perfect setting to commence the debating championship that would test the skills of the Asian debating scene. The huge hall, the tense yet always cool and refreshing atmosphere that would lend itself to stimulate the intellects of even the most daftest debater - All of it was what made the place.

We resided in Taipa, a quite idyllic neighborhood-city separated from the main island. The University of Macau was usually no more than a ten-minute walk away so even if one were to wake up late, catching the rounds wouldn't be so much of a problem. The university by itself was a grand construction: it was built on a hill that had a panoramic view of the main island so when dusk falls - One would be awed by the wonders and lights the main island has to offer.

I stood this time around as an adjudicator, and I felt myself growing for once. To be able to look at issues and identify them as well as rationally sorting things out. Though after awhile, I found myself getting bored of adjudicating and moved to debating for a swing team, which Hafiedz suggested me to do.

It was a blazing experience, and not something I would forget anytime soon. For the break night however, complications came about in the forms of delayed tabs. I suppose I could feel many of the debaters' frustration of having to wait an extra day to know who's breaking - In a dizzying state of hangovers. I would be proud to say that all UT Mara teams broke and Team 1 managed to break their way into the Quarter-Finals, showing nothing but the best against NUS 1.

UADC '11 was filled with experiences I've always heard of ever since I was a debater from a small Malacca branch campus. It was something always heard of and now, finally experienced. Bonds are developed, and I've begun to understand my stakes as a debater even more so importantly. At this point, I only have two more years left as a student. One and a-half as a debater (unless I debate during my practicals).

By next UADC, I'm breaking high.

2011-05-16T14:09:00.002+08:00

2nd United Asians Debating Championship 2011
University of Macau
16th May to 23rd May 2011

purple ink

2011-05-09T18:25:00.002+08:00

I've to write off this purple non-existence
with ink from pens that never flow,
If I could write anything of such brilliance
perhaps I could have just got you to follow.

We're not pushing but neither are we pulling
this line of thread that's single-line thin,
Standing in the middle of nowhere just waiting
so when was the last time did I see you really grin?

That lost smile I saw a year ago
perhaps lost because of what I did wrong,
I've hit my new low
but if I took your hand still would you follow along?

If I whispered the words that sound meaningless
would you think them real,
If I changed for you without a fuss
would you walk with me to the middle?

I'm lost like a little brown puppy
that's got no home and no name,
In this time I'm gonna make you see
that I can waltz with you right good into this game.

I can't really put my finger to what I felt as I was writing this. So I guess all I can say is just take it as it is.

public service announcement

2011-05-09T09:52:00.003+08:00

This was supposed to be a vast space for a very emotional and upset blog post that the blogger wrote for two good long hours in the trappings of his musings. But it doesn't matter since he already chose to Select All and Delete the two-hour work and few thousand word post.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T23:27:00.003+08:00

Happy Birthday, Dad & Ira

2011-05-07T10:04:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Happy 17th Birthday, Ira.

To the two people in my life who I can't live without.

the world just revolves

2011-05-06T09:21:00.002+08:00

Now I've four months of semester break ahead of me. I've so much I want to do:

Photography projects
Work
Go for debate tournaments
Add up to my skill pool
Go on a vacation to somewhere with my friends

Four simple things that would take up four months. Good luck!

endofsem

2011-05-04T17:41:00.003+08:00

Been a while since I posted anything regarding my university life hasn't it? I'm down to one more paper before I officially wash my hands off with what may as well was the worst semester of my entire varsity experience.

There's that mellow sadness which never fails to creep up behind me as I pack up my belongings at the end of every semester. And as I folded my clothes and slowly put each into the bag - Suddenly, I just don't want it to end. As bad as the semester deemed itself, there was the comfort that I sought in all the drama, hardships and craziness. But as I finally zip the bag close, I realize that like everything else in the World: life goes on. Even if it meant accepting that I have to face four months of solidarity because of the mess I'm in on the personal level.

This semester was suppose to present itself to me with new horizons and roads but I realize because of the wrongs I've set myself and others up into, I stumbled down into a semester that shows one's past can indeed haunt him. And at the end of it all, all I wanted was redemption.

I'm not proud to say that I got barred from some subjects due to my loss of interest in my education. Neither am I proud to say I've hurt and scarred the person I loved. And that along the way, I lost my family and friends. The facade I have had for many months now, has got my falling down from grace and I was left mangled and to my own wrongs.

But if one has wronged, then I believe one also should have the chance to redeem itself. Choices are not irreversible and nothing is ever permanent, but the courage is about living with the choices you made and its consequence. It's a lesson I learned and though it's too late to save myself now since the semester has ended - I have the next to look to.

I will be repeating my third semester again, no doubt. But this time, with determination. I'm not going to let my problems knock me down anymore. If anything, it's time for me to grow up. And it starts now.

John Mayer

2011-05-02T12:52:00.003+08:00

There's a lot of things a guy can envy and admire John Mayer for. It'd be his crooning, guitar and lady skills if I want to really be concise about it. Though he's had a lot of conflicts with the media over his high-profile relationships among other things - You have to agree he's quite the musician.

There's not any of his songs that no guy walking this Earth cannot relate to. If Maroon 5 was the soundtrack to my high school life, then John Mayer would be the one to my varsity life. His songs never disappoint and as I always say, always relevant.

Here's the recommended listening. It's a long list and you might as well buy (or download) all his albums. But here's my personal picks that stand out.

Neon
Belief
Why Georgia
My Stupid Mouth
Friends, Lovers or Nothing
Half of My Heart
No Such Thing
Your Body is Wonderland
City Love
83
Love Song for No One
Bigger Than My Body
New Deep
Only Heart
Home Life
Waiting on the World to Change
Say
Dreaming with a Broken Heart
Gravity
I'm Gonna Find Another You
Perfectly Lonely
All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye

Well, what are you waiting for? Go on and be awed! I've even provided a Live from Abbey Road's "Belief" Youtube video for you guys to be dazzled.

We're never gonna win the World, we're never gonna win the war.
We're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for.
-John Mayer

Love & Other Drugs

2011-05-02T11:27:00.004+08:00

Love & Other Drugs

Typical romantic comedies never run dry in the Hollywood circuit and Love & Other Drugs is no exception to it. Normally, under any circumstance I'd write this off as a typical romantic comedy you would watch and forget perhaps when you get into the next day. But I'll give my review on this anyway.

Love & Other Drugs stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway are your everyday-couple except for one difference - Maggie (Hathaway) is a free-spirited artsy woman who lets nothing keep her down. Yes, not even her medical condition that slowly gets worse over time.

In the other side of the World unmet is Jamie (Gyllenhaal) who lives his life the same way with no strings attached. When he lands a job as a pharmaceutical salesman, he stumbles upon Maggie whom he takes immediate attraction to. The rest is Hollywood history mixed in wit the fear of dipping one's toes in too deep, the fear of burden and finally, accepting to live life with the one one loves, come what may.

Love & Other Drugs is touching to a certain extent that it highlights the question anyone has when they're in love with a person who is ill and when the condition gets worse over time. "How would I still be able to stand through it all when she won't even be capable enough to stand on her own two feet or remember what she ate for lunch?". It's touching but the warm fuzzy feeling comes and goes as fast as I drink my soda down.

The linear of the story starts of somewhat confusing, the leaving the audience to wonder what Jamie was doing here on screen. Only until after some screen time with Maggie did I begin to see where the story was heading down to. It would perhaps be predictable by all costs but I guess that's the charm of romantic comedies or any love story we watch, in fact. Love & Other Drugs attempts to hit the right spots and it tries so. But I guess when you've watched one too many romantic movies, it becomes rather predictable and doesn't feel real.

I guess what Hollywood should try doing now is coming up with love stories that feel real. When I watched (500) Days of Summer a year back, I loved and applauded it not because it was amazing in any sense (it was normal in typical aspects) but it stood out because it felt real. And I think if Hollywood wants to step up its game, it has to start producing movies that feel real.

classrooms are where i get lost

2011-05-01T20:48:00.004+08:00

Here's a question I want everyone to sit down and think about. No, really. Take half an-hour off your schedule and spend it thinking on an answer to this very simple question:

What is education?

I'm very sure the answers would vary. To some, it's a degree obtained after three years of assignments and lectures. To others, it's eleven years worth of studying in an institution where you were forced to wear uniforms and abide by authoritarianism. Few individuals however, would say it's what you learn as you continue growing up.

Not many would agree with how I see the World but education, to me - Is something not limited to the classroom nor extra-curricular activities you sign up at the start of every term. As far-fetched as it sounds, I believe the World has evolved and twisted the idea of education.

Sure, in the past it was only available to a privileged few who had money and those that obtained education were able to climb the social and economic ladder, working into government posts. Nowadays, we see it as a given right to receive education. Some governments around the World make it an effort to give it to its people for free even, to encourage.

But this is what the message says; no education - no where.

True, and I don't deny it either. But here's to where I get to the meat of my musings: is education supposed to be a rigid system or should it be a flexible one? It's a debate that never really had its conclusion. Many would beg to agree with the oriental system where it's rigid (to a point where failure in education means shame to your family - look up for Japan). This is the system that promotes discipline and skill-fostering that would be beneficial when one ventures into the cruel World of working.

But then, we study to get a good job. We aspire to get a good job to get good money. Because only with good money can you move up the social and economical ladder and get out of that rut of having to survive on fifty dollars a week. Sometimes, I find myself asking: is that a life I want for myself? Is the end-goal of money so important that it overrides my aspirations to make a change to the World I live in and to make the most of my short life? More often than not, I find myself with no proper answer.

I want a life that is satisfactory and makes me feel like I'm making use of my emotional, spiritual and physical self to the betterment of the World and those around me. I find myself admiring activists who work for NGOs because these are people who earn nothing from their job yet find their life heading for a purpose and a change to everyone and everything around them. What they're doing is selfless and I hope I would be able to make changes too.

But which form of education does that best? One that's objective is to have you think that a good job means a better life, or one that shows you that no matter what you do - What's important is your self-fulfillment and how you're able to make the World a better place for yourself and others despite how much you earn.

I know I'd stand by the latter.

photo credits to mookio

2011-04-29T21:00:00.001+08:00

thunderclaps

2011-04-20T17:23:00.003+08:00

These days, I feel like I've walked down the path of hopelessness once too many times. There's the fine line to draw between everyday problems and crisis. I suppose if I were to be fair to myself, I'd say I'm in the second category.

And to make matters worse, it's not only one crisis I'm facing. They say expressing is the best way to heave the burden off one's shoulders but lately, I feel like I've hit the wall and that my tongue prefers that I suffer in silence.

In this silent scream is where I hope one hears or notices.

Pretty melodramatic, huh? There's no other way to picture it but that's life. I just need assurance of my loved ones as well as recognition and to boot, an embrace.

Photo credits to Bryan Ferguson

it's been awhile

2011-04-15T23:42:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile hasn't it? Funny how life can make you so occupied until it pushes you to let certain things past. Right now, it's probably been a very long time since I've sat down and wrote something for my three-year old blog. Fact is, I've been on a writer's block. Or maybe laziness would be apt as well. I'm not entirely sure.

As of now, I just want to remind my dear readers (if any left) out there that I'm still alive and kicking. Much has happened over the span of these past months. The new semester has not been so kind but I would not trade it for anything else in the World since experience has always been invaluable to me.

But I promise, I will chronicle it down soon when I've the mind set to it and also the time to spare. in the meanwhile, good luck with your endeavors!

for once, we're not in the same picture

2011-03-28T23:24:00.000+08:00

and somehow that disturbs me.

lost in darkness

2011-03-27T03:27:00.002+08:00

I'm awake in the dead of the night and I shivered. It's dark, cold and I'm in the same state I've been many ours just as I walked through the door: tired, disappointed, demoralized, lost and confused. I just needed a form of assurance. Though I got some, I felt it at the expense of guilt: I got it off while being an inconvenience.

In my shoes, it's hard to stand on my own two feet at such a turbulent period of time when life's just closed its doors on you. All I wanted was to just drop a phone call and feel like I'm not disturbing, 'coz that's how I feel every single time I call. It's like I'm buying precious time and that there's other more important things to do on your side.

I just want you to remember the times you've been in my shoes. 'Coz somehow it's like you've forgotten how it was when you were in my position. These words sound irrational perhaps. But that's just how my heart feels and it's slowly killing me. Just please try to understand. I know you don't owe me that after all that's happened but it's the least you can do. I know the last thing you'd want is me dragging you down, but just so you know, not knowing makes things even more worse.

My eyes are bleary and I feel more dead than ever. I have a fever and I cannot even move. Yeah, it's that bad.

and all i could do was watch the plane take off

2011-03-26T11:25:00.001+08:00

Pushing himself until all else breaks
He got stuck in between the truth and all these fakes,
Disappointment hitting the floor so low
They got the notice saying 'no show'.

Frantic mornings in shouting midst
Rushing to a lost cause at lightning blitz,
Crying halfway across the phone
Lying on the couch wanting nothing but alone.

Mid-morning dawn reflects upon a waste
Colds winds blowing to a crest-fallen face,
If across the sea was where he wanted to go
Then it must have been gravity that brought him down so.

Through shattered dreams
And running down with a bag of broken seams,
These shoulders bearing a heavy burden
Telling him that he just couldn't.

3rd Malaysian Debate Open

2011-03-10T10:54:00.003+08:00

I spent three hours staring at the blank spaces wondering how to sum up what I felt towards MDO. There was a flurry of emotions; hate, pain, tiredness. All negative words, don't you think? The lessons I learned in MDO was invaluable if not extending beyond debating.

But I can only sum up all these words and emotions into one statement:

Self-Actualization.

red streets

2011-03-04T09:40:00.002+08:00

I'm leaving for Malacca on 1500 hours today.

The 3rd Malaysian Debate Open awaits me at MMU Malacca. So far, I've been hearing stories about it but yet have I ever been a part of it. This time around, we're the underdog team but that doesn't mean I'm not going to give it any less than my best.

here we go

2011-02-28T14:28:00.003+08:00

To be fair, I haven't been updating anything much these days. My Facebook is left as a monument, as is my Tumblr and this blog. Fact is, the only thing that's been actively working within my social networking is Twitter.

So, I suppose an update is to be reckoned for. Firstly, I doubt anyone reads my blog anymore. But that was never an issue, I find my blog to be more useful with its role as a scribe. To record rather than publish. My Twitter is found to be frequently updated with all my whims and fancies thrown in a container of 140-words.

There's studies - Which are regrettably declining. This may not be blamed on anything other than my own doing. My own loss of interest in studies. Granted, this semester is immensely dull. The only subject that I'm excited about is the weekly News-writing and Reporting in which my lecturer spares nothing at cursing and keeping us entertained while educating us on the working world out there and how cruel it is to aspiring journalists like myself.

To a certain point, I found myself skipping morning classes out of the sheer whim of laziness; not partaking in assignments because I found it pointless. And I won't sugar-coat this either - I've lost touch with majority of my classmates if but a handful of them. But that's done and over with: it's time I jumped back in the game. I've a year and a half to live this out and I'm not going down with a fight.

And then there's the other departments such as mobile phones and automobiles, but that I will leave for another post. 'Till then, I'll be catching you guys on Twitter. I have a Twitter feed on my sidebar now just in case you guys are interested.

National Novice Debating Championship '11

2011-02-24T12:40:00.002+08:00

For the first time around, I was neither adjudicating nor debating. Which was either blessing or a curse seeing how the National Novice was traditionally a debating competitive ground meant for novice debaters. I've probably gone past the point of being a novice but still not yet an impressive debater. I still stand somewhere between, I reckon.

Anyway, for the first time around - Seeing that we had new juniors in the club, certain seniors were tasked with handling and guiding a team. I was handed by Masai three girls who's skills were pretty acute for raw new debaters. They can be polished, no doubt about that.

A majority portion of my time was spent running around helping Izzat and Emellia organize the tournament and I kid you not - It was as tiring as hell. There was a net of new faces and of course, some familiar ones. I've nothing new to add, sadly.

Odd how I've been feeling this way a lot lately.

risks

2011-02-08T00:58:00.003+08:00

These city streets are bleak, dark and cold. When you turn back to look, there's no one and you realize that you've been walking in the dark for hours with no companion, no guidance. It's that numbing feeling which the pain always comes later, and this time it's harder than ever.

Sometimes, we try harder than we ever possibly could only to see ourselves fall flat on our face on the ground, bloodied. Sometimes, we aren't even given to chance to even attempt in fear of things spiraling into a worse situation. So really, what are we left to do?

Not jumping to take the risk? But then we wouldn't really know what we've to lose or gain wouldn't it? And we'll end up with what if's that would only eat ourselves away. If life really is about seizing the moment, then why do we stop to deliberate?

If there's one thing I've learnt, nothing is not repairable. As badly as you screw things up, there's always a way back to it. The only thing is: are you willing to live through the consequence? There is no right or wrong answer because at the end of the day, the choices you embark upon is what makes you the person you are.

I'm unsure of my path and I know I've only one shot left at it. Neither will I know if I'd crash and burn but if life has to be lived through risks - I am a willing fool.

photo credits to Salar

have you read lately?

2011-02-03T16:55:00.006+08:00

How would you pass of your lazy Sunday afternoon? Mine would be in my favorite arm chair, curled up with a bar of chocolate and a mug of hot latte on a nearby table. Better yet? It'd be raining cats and dogs outside and it'll be just me, the book I'm reading and the bast imaginations in between.

And that's something I see lost in today's generation. Pardon me for I may as well sound old but many of those I know today don't read. Let's not even get to textbooks, the only thing I see them reading is trashy Malay novellas and comics. Whatever happened to the good classics like Robinson Crusoe or 20'000 Leagues Under the Sea? Admittedly, I don't read Malay classics either. I find the language used far too heavy and flowery. Though I do enjoy the Malay literature we were made to read in my high-school years.

Malaysians in general are not fond of reading. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. I wonder when was it had I seen any person of my age sit down in some quiet corner and read a book that looks legitimately beneficial? With exceptions to bookstores, hardly ever. The closest I see to such a scenario is when students are studying. Even that, it is because they're forced to.

The first books I've bought for months.

Today, I went to Borders and I was lucky enough to be given the finances to get myself a book. Perhaps it's just me, but I enjoy the widest range of books. As long as it fancies me, that's what I'd read. Philosophy, Marketing, Psychology, Religion, Social Sciences, General Knowledge, etc. The list goes on. It occurred to me that the most books I've ever purchased in my whole life was when I was working in MPH Bookstores, One Utama. Half my salary flows back to them and every month would be a minimum of five books purchased using my employee discount.

But that's how deep my passion lies. For my late grandfathers on both sides of the family, they have a dedicated library reserved for a collection of books of various range. Don't get me started but if I were to have the interest to read all of them, I'd be twice the better debater with all that knowledge in my head.

Fair enough; buying books may as well be expensive. But there's always libraries. An annual membership fee doesn't cost an exclusive much and one can always borrow books twice a month. It's about initiative. Heck, sometimes I even repeat trips to my favorite bookstore to just read book (I know I can't afford) off the shelf. But of course, nothing beats the feeling of owning a book and knowing you can flip through it anytime, no?

And that's where it is. Where is the reading culture in this country? There's nothing to it. Just grab a book of interest (other than novellas and comics), sit in a corner with a cup of your favorite beverage and just immerse yourself!

Gong Xi Fa Cai

2011-02-03T08:30:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!
The Year of the Rabbit.

photo credits to p!ng

ali jo's meatballs

2011-02-01T23:27:00.003+08:00

Sometimes to get the best out of your friends, it's always about doing something together. In Italy, the concept of family is something strong that resonates even in their food-serving style that's apparently huge portioned. It promotes sharing, togetherness and symbolizes the creating of everlasting bonds.

Asian cultures practice similar beliefs. My mum is a firm believer that cooking is the key to bringing people together. Through cooking also, can families bond. In the kitchen scene, Mum would usually delegate tasks between me and my siblings so that we're contributing to the day's meal.

Today was no different. It was me and my friends learning how to cook up an awesome lunch. A two-course meal can do wonders to your stomach, believe me. Especially if it's home-cooked food.

So here's the end product after much rolling, chopping ,stirring, mixing and fooling around;

Spaghetti Meatballs.

And what better way to end the day than to glimpse a wonderful sunset while driving on the way back, no? This was one of those days where I felt like everything fell right into place. And I thank God for such blessing.

swim

2011-01-31T10:26:00.004+08:00

I twirl the stem of my cup and slowly take a sip out of it. Hot fragrant tea seep through my lips and almost instantly, I feel warmer. It was as though God had lit up a fire inside me and at it all, it was the warmth that mattered.

The pattering of rain is continuous, almost melodious. Even if I close my eyes, I see visualizations of lovers running across the street under an umbrella, a child playing a paper boat in the drain, a grandmother sitting on her porch reading a book.

This is what the rain brings. And though I'm a million miles away from these people; I feel them still, in my mind and heart. And one day, I'll find myself meeting them.

Bring me to a bistro on a rainy Paris day,
Sit with me and just, stay.

photo credits to Allen Sky

write me something

2011-01-28T10:47:00.003+08:00

The high electric music coming from AC/DC hides itself in one of my internet browser tabs. I stare blankly at the laptop screen wondering what to type. Again, I feel like I hit a wall at taking a stab at writing.

What is this curse, seasonal?

2011-01-24T11:30:00.007+08:00

Heaven's Rush
where do we stand?

I found back my old Friendster blog. Who knew, eh? And to be entirely honest with you guys, I used to sound like a gay dude writing for a problem-advice magazine column. Thank God I grew out of that crap. This is for nostalgic purposes, all the same.

i'm losing a game

2011-01-24T09:41:00.003+08:00

Ethnic Relations class seems pretty interesting, at this point being. Then again, I've always been a sucker for any topic that inches towards the issue of ethnicity, culture and religious practices in Malaysia. Fact is, Malaysia's a potpourri for such issues.

And I'd have a million and one things to say about it. But that's as far as I'm recording on a public sphere. If you want to know any more, see me face to face. But that aside, I've been busy. There's the Speakers' Corner, UT Mara's Recruitment Drive and National Novice to pull my weight around. It's been the same faces and same places, not to mention late night working. And I wonder when is all this going to end so I can enjoy my life in normal pace.

Here's what I owe you guys though. My subjects for the semester;

COM566 Communication Research and Methods
JRN520 News-Writing and Reporting
JRN521 Copy Editing
JRN522 Feature Writing
LIB501 Management
CTU553 Ethnic Relations
BFR401 French Language I

So far, my enjoyment is directed towards French Language and News-Writing and Reporting. But even in classes, I'm feeling more detached than I ever was since last semester. Is this a sign? Or is it an indicator that I've lost a sense of care? I wouldn't know for sure. And who knew? Three weeks have passed by so fast and now we're looming close to the mid-semester break that's due the end of the week.

And to think I haven't even attended my first debate tournament for the year.

morning aches

2011-01-20T09:47:00.003+08:00

In the kitchen, there's two slices of bread that's being toasted right now. We're out of cheese but that's okay. A little peek in the fridge earned me a half-opened tin of kaya butter. What more can anyone ask for their morning snack? Fact is, most people I know enjoy nothing more than melting kaya butter on a warm toasted bread first thing for breakfast.

I stretch my body and feel the ache from the past two weeks' ordeal of business. First, there was helping with the planning of the National Novice Debating Championship tournament, then in more recent grounds, the grand launching for UiTM's Speakers' Corner which got us occupied for every waking minute that was not taken up by studying, sleeping or eating. And finally, yesterday it ended. I slept about one o'clock in the morning, my eyes heavy.

Is this life from now on?

Speakers' Corner Launching

2011-01-19T23:45:00.000+08:00

The Speakers' Corner Launching marked a milestone in the progress towards freedom of expression in UiTM. For me, freedom of expression is, and never will be absolute. But if we take baby steps towards the conceivability and efforts of allowing it - Then it would have been better than nothing.

Speakers' Corner Launching banner.

Speak up, speak out!

A raving group of fan girls going insane for the free goodies bag.

Debater/Orator Ain Aissa delivering a speech on organ donation.

The UT Mara English Debating Society with UiTM Vice-Chancellor Dr. Sahol.

Interesting night, it was. Though admittedly, I'm getting exhausted.

my lecturer in front is talking

2011-01-17T12:27:00.002+08:00

It's Monday morning and I'm in class wondering what on Earth am I doing here. Life has been extremely busy for me for the past two weeks. It has been an endless flurry that ends with my head hitting the pillow dreading what business will push itself to me the day after. To a certain extent, I feel like my studies have taken a backseat temporarily. I comfort myself by saying that the learning process is one no one can ever rush.

But then, who am I kidding?

If this was a lax education system where lifelong skills and the learning experience is graded by your own learning curve, that would be fine. But we don't live in that sort of perfect World. Or at least, I've yet to see an institution insane enough to attempt something that radical. That said, I cannot possibly slack.

Time to pick up my pace. Oh, just on a random note, this was all written from my iPhone. Touchscreen keyboards can be so very fiddly.

MICS 2011

2011-01-16T08:35:00.000+08:00

Recently, I took part in MIDP's 'Managing In-Campus Student Communication Program 2011' which catered to educate student affairs officers and lecturer-advisers in handling their campus debate club or anything similar to that. It was held from the 13th to 15th of January 2011.

Three days, a dinner and nothing less that tiring but a satisfactory photography job done.

Iqbal Hafiedz, part of the UT Mara English Debating Society Alumni. Now CEO of MIDP.

The Debating Giants of the Malaysian Debating Scene.

Actually, I've no witty caption for this.

The committee for MIDP's MICS 2011.

The UT Mara English Debating Society Past and Present

That would be pretty much it, coming from me.

now that you know

2011-01-07T18:55:00.002+08:00

I wonder how many times I've did that. Write sentences long worth of meaningless words, then choose to select all, and then hit the delete button. Am I afraid of these raw ideas? I've no idea. Or maybe it's the need to sound, look and present myself positively?

I have no idea.

2010: Recap

2011-01-02T17:22:00.002+08:00

Something I traditionally do for my blog annually.

What did you do in 2010 which you've never done before
Took the risk of growing up.

Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Que Sera Sera.

Did anyone close to you gave birth?
Nope.

Did anyone close to you die?
Two relatives that were not that close to me, but their deaths gave me a new perspective to life.

What countries did you visit?
Singapore.

What would you like to have in 2011 which you lacked in 2010?
The art of deduction.

What date in 2010 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
27.05.2010 - 30.05.2010, the Great Journey.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Development of my debate skills that got me breaking to semi-finals in a few tournaments. More recently, getting Top 10 Best Speaker for Royals IV 2010.

What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to control my emotional curiosity.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Many times, yes.

What was the best thing you bought?
Ayam Penyet lunch at Pecel Lele, Padang Jawa.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
A lot of people, actually. But mostly the ones that matter to me.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A few people that should really learn.

Where did most of your money go?
Food and transport.

What did you really, really, really get excited about?
Arau Open Debate '10. We had a Langkawi day-trip!

What song will remind you of 2010?
"United State of Pop 2010" by DJ Earworm.

Compared to last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner of fatter
c) richer or poorer?
the same; the same; poorer.

What do you wish you've done more of?
Being a stronger person.

What do you wish you've done less of?
Wearing my heart on my sleeve.

How did you spend Christmas?
Attending the weddings of two different relatives.

Did you fall in love in 2009?
Fell out of it, actually. But things are okay, and the both of us understand that life happens.

What was your favorite TV program?
House M.D.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Unfortunately, yes. That's new isn't it?

What was the best book you've read?
The Pig That Wants to Be Eaten by Julian Baggini.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing new in particular. Just that I have a talent for putting together awesome playlists.

What did you want and get?
a high-end dSLR.

What did you want and not get?
A stable emotional ground. But I will learn, I know.

What was your favorite film this year?
Inception.

What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
Tina, Veneon, Faris and my old primary school friends treated me out to dinner. I was 20, no longer a teenager.

What was the one thing that made your year immeasurable more satisfying?
My trips to Malacca.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Nothing changed, other than me getting my hair shaved.

What kept you sane?
I'm already insane, face it.

What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Benedict Cumberbatch.

What political issue stirred you the most?
Wikileaks and Julian Assange.

Who did you miss?
My old close friends from Malacca.

Who was the new best person you met?
Debaters, definitely debaters.

Tell us a valuable lesson you learnt in 2010:
It's important to know what you want from life.

2011: New Year

2011-01-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

The beginning of the end. Ironic isn't it, how we need a significant date and milestone in our whole calendar system to mark a difference, to mark a change. A reason for us to be a better person. A signal, if you please. But his, I believe, is a safety net illusion the New Year's has always given us.

That there is a chance to start anew. To make amends, to repent. To improve and to try again. If anything, it represents a new beginning.

2010 has indeed been a harsh teacher. It came down on me with whips, chains and knuckle dusters. But at times, it also embraced me, whispered and comforted me. But never had I ever been put through such trials and tribulations and if anything, 2010 has proven itself to be the best experience anyone can ever get a ride on.

2010, to say, ended with a parting of ways. There's lessons to learn, but what's important is to always remember those memories if not for the lessons it brings. But at any point of time, everyone deserves to reminiscence and be reminded of the past that has made them who they are today. But always, always remember that one cannot dwell so deeply on the past if he is to move on and progress to the future.

So, as the clock strikes twelve, we hear a unanimous clamor of wishes and well-beings the World throughout. Fireworks flare up to the sky, the field is filled with the buzzing and shouts of jubilation. But for me, it'll always be a reflection. And it's enough for me to be present under the stars with my own thoughts, reflecting.

So, with the ushering of the New Year 2011 under the banner of 01.01.11, here goes nothing!

Happy New Year!

2010-12-29T18:35:00.001+08:00

2010-12-29T18:26:00.000+08:00

People change. Feelings change. It doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true or real. It just simply means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.

postcards project

2010-12-28T17:04:00.004+08:00

The New Year holds new resolutions as well as a chance to re-stage ourselves, a milestone to measure ourselves as per comparison to the year before. I was browsing through those under my blog listing, when one particular blog caught my fancy.

From my perspective
visuals by Tik Tsin Leong

This particular blog belongs to my high-school senior, "Dickson" Tik Tsin Leong who's an outstanding photographer with wit and sarcasm to boot. I've always been a frequent hopper to his blog just to see what new photos has he conceived. For the past two months now, he has been traveling overseas (for holidays, I presume) and working on a postcard project. He takes a series of photos that pictures and describes the place, through, well, postcard photographs.

Inspiring me, no less.

So with the advent of the New Year 2011, I've decided that perhaps, I'd want to embrace a similar idea. But this time, perhaps to local grounds. Maybe if I could spare finances, I'd travel to a different state once a month to photograph, document and embark on exploring. Why not? So with this, here starts my Postcards Project.

changing for what

2010-12-28T10:40:00.004+08:00

We're afraid. Each and every one of us holds deep inside us at least a certain fear unknown and unnamed. To some, it's the fear of moving forward, to change. To some, it's perhaps of mice. But what would that matter anyway, right?

If anyone's been so much as observant, my writing has diminished to nothing more than some few witty sentences expressed through short paragraphs. No longer are they emotionally-detailed or excruciatingly artistically descriptive as it was almost a year ago. But that's life, we change. My writing style has been severly impacted by my inner self. How I write reflects who I am, or at least a hint of my inner psyche.

Oh yes, go all Freud on me, if you please.

Change is evident. Change is everywhere. Civilizations come and go, sometimes for the better of worse. Governments are replaced, toppled and re-elected. Buildings are demolished and constructed. It happens every day, all around the World. And with every change, things become better and worse. With the demolishing of a hundred-year old building, we lose the historical value attached to it, it's milestone and significance. But do we not also gain a new pave-way to development and an empty space to rebuild something that can bring about benefit?

But in the end, it's always striking a balance. In reality, you can never please anyone. Not everyone's going to agree with that pig-headed selfish decision you just made. But sometimes, you have to. When push comes to shove, you just damn well have to. Sometimes, to find yourself and your own happiness, you have to line with a choice and decision that will not appeal to others, won't be easy on yourself either - But down the road, it's for your betterment.

Because the best view in life is to take everything with a pinch of salt. To know that with everything that happens, there's always a lesson to learn from. An avenue to grow into. An improvement and step to take to further better ourselves. Wallowing in self-pity and blame never helped anyone to be a better person.

And at the end of it all, to reconcile and make better of everything. No one ever said change was going to be painless or easy, but it's the step we all have to take at one point of our life. Eventually.

you ain't got no more

2010-12-26T11:07:00.002+08:00

I feel so random right now. Like I don't care. Like I know my lifeline is running out and yet I'd want to do nothing about it. Is this how a cancer patient feels like when he knows he only has a week left before the peaking chart goes straight? Or this this something close to immense anxiety masking itself as boredom?

I find it so hard to tell the difference. But I couldn't care less. New Year's around the corner though, I should be at least making some sort of sorry effort to construct fireworks in my basement, eh?

Oh well, who cares? Pass me the mug of Milo, please.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T10:03:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas, World.
It's that time of the year again when the colors Red and Green become trendy.

photo credits to thresca

20 x 10

2010-12-24T19:43:00.003+08:00

And as tradition goes, here's my Top 5 in Entertainment for the Year 2010. Lo and behold;

MOVIES

MUSIC

What's yours?

Royals Intervarsity Debating Championship '10

2010-12-23T20:07:00.004+08:00

An Asian Parliamentary format debate slapped in the middle of the British Parliamentary season, it sticks out like a sore thumb. But that always has been Royals' tradition. An end-of-year tournament open to all intervarsities and put their debaters to a test of skill. For this time around, I was given the chance to debate alongside Med and Ismael with Ali Jo as our reserve debater.

In Royals, I learn how important it was to maintain team consistency, dynamics and chemistry. Being a team doesn't only apply to within the rounds but also outside of it, how you treat each other, bond and understand. I learn that it's never as simple as just being paired up simply and then debating right after that. Initial preparation for the debate rounds were tough as we sough to fit each others' different styles (which cost a loss in the second round). But luck and will pushed us to win through the rest of the preliminary rounds.

Break night has never been as tensed and rewarding when hearing your team broke third. This was our time, and the vision of an all-UT Mara Junior Grand Finals wasn't so distant after all. It was obvious of course, that UT Mara Junior 1 broke first, brought about by their determination to win Royals.

An unfortunate tale alas, was us losing at the Quarter-Finals.

It wasn't so much about us not being better than the other team (this is where I imply that we indeed were really so much better than the other team, and I'm saying this on unbiased grounds). I wouldn't take this to bitter note any more, seeing I'm past that point. But it's taught me another lesson at losing. That I would go out with a bang, and that Masai was right: now, it's about me building my reputation. And I believe we've effectively done that as a team this time around. Next time, they'd fear us when they've known how good we were.

Anyway, UT Mara Junior 1 emerged as runner-ups to the Junior Category. It was a fine throw, but nonetheless - We'll come back. Stronger than ever, and that to my belief, I'll finally reach my visioned first Grand Finals. That would be a promise, to myself. A side note though, I recieved the Top 10 Best Speakers award. Motions;

Round One: THW put an end to the NPT
Bench: Opposition

Round Two: THW not give Mandatory Death to its Drug Traffickers
Bench: Government

Round Three: THBT Facebook Policies should be decided by voters among Facebook Users
Bench: Government

Round Four: THBT IMF Should Not Interfere within the Economic Policies of countries it gives loans to
Bench: Opposition

Round Five: THBT Election Campaigns should run on equal and limited finding provided by the State
Bench: Government

Quarter-Finals: THBT the War on Terror is the leading cause of Global Terrorism
Bench: Government

Outside debate, I've also had my fair share of fun. There were the road trips taken with Ali Jo's van, where all of us would watch movies. The visit to Adi's house for a hospitable delicious lunch. A round of bowling and pool as well as the bonding sessions we shared within ourselves. I've learned to open up myself a bit more, but maybe that's only natural.

Otherwise that, it's all about taking the gamble and biting the bullet.

Next year will be my year. I now know how far I've to push myself, where I've to improve and how to get through it. My first Grand Finals? Soon. I just have to believe in myself. And of course, a single can of Nescafe.